I'm really enjoying doing these 30 days things but I've kind of been neglecting to actually write about the goings-on in my life.
Last night, I went to the show and The Colour Out of Space bailed so that sucked. I really wanted to see them- It's been almost three years! But The Fallen did well, and I didn't get to stay for Alegionnaire or AKB which kind of bummed me out. I just enjoyed hanging out with Zach. I learned that he has been upset about a lot of the same things that I have been- growing apart from people and just being nostalgic. Apparently Jesse is being that way also. I don't like that they feel this way, but it's good to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not just being pathetic and sad.
But RAEANN. Did you know...
That we took part in the downfall of Somerset's music scene!? Because we used to go to shows... and then we didn't. Everyone who did that is totally to blame. NOT the fact that the majority of all of the good, "old" bands completely quit. But us. Not us, in particular. But the normal show-goers who quit going. Apparently that's the normal way of thinking for most bands. We killed the scene. Zach and I were talking about this- I mean, we all can't help that we used to all feel like a community/family. We actually went to listen to the music AND to hang out at the same time. The bands we were used to quit (not that we didn't give the newer bands a chance)... but shows turned into something that people went to because it was cool, no one even listened to music! They went behind the flea market and fucking smoked pot and had sex. "The scene" was dead long before Wiseguys even thought of shutting down.
It just felt so weird going to the show yesterday and not knowing 3/4 of the people, and 3/4 of the people not knowing me. It's like Billy said: "You just don't know us because you didn't even go to 'the good shows'".
Anyway, that's my bit of ranting. Wait, wait, wait... I take that back, I feel there is more to come.
I didn't get to go to the show tonight because my great-aunt was having her 75th birthday party and family is more important. My grandpa hasn't felt well for a long time- he's lost crap tons of weight. Which, his doctor told him he needed to but he's lost 70+ pounds without even trying, which worries me a bit. My mom fixes dinner for him a lot because he will eat more when she fixes it for some reason- which is oddly cute and sentimental-ish. I felt really worried about him today all because of fried green tomatoes. He didn't seem like himself today, period. He normally is joking and laughing and talking ALL the time. Today he didn't talk at all. He asked me to order for him because he couldn't see the menu, but he ended up doing it, and then couldn't even remember what he ordered so he took someone else's appetizer...haha. He said he ordered it, and then I said, "Are you sure?" and he goes, "No, I don't think I did. I can't remember".
Ugh, my family, though. His brothers and sisters were there (which it was his sister having the birthday party)- and they barely even acknowledged him. They don't want to talk to him because they are afraid he will ask them to do a favor. Which he would. But it still makes me sick. His sons and other daughter are the same way. It's awful. A couple of my cousins also are the same way. As is my grandma's brother. It really hurts me to see them deal with it day-to-day, because they don't even hold grudges against these assholes. BUT they sit around depressed all the time. My grandma tells me every day that I will: get sick of my job eventually no matter how I love it for a little while, I will hate my life, I will resent my husband, and once I have children I will wish I hadn't had them. Basically I will just be miserable. She says she doesn't care if she dies and that she sometimes wishes she had never been born. It really worries me. I know it's all because of the way she has been treated. They are not in the best of health obviously and my parents are the only people who offer to help them out. I hate my family for what they've done to my grandparents. They are taking part in killing them and they either just don't pay enough attention to notice or they simply don't care. My uncle won't even talk to them. Period. HE IS OUR NEIGHBOR. He lives two houses up the Goddamn road. I can tell myself that these people are the ones that will have to live with it but they will not and do not care. They will never be a part of my life.
ANYWAY. I think I've figured out a lot of my beliefs. I'm not religious at all but I'm really interested in religion (all religions). I'm kind of spiritual though. It's really weird and hard to explain. I believe in a higher power. What I mostly believe in, though, is nature. I don't know. I can't explain it but I know what I mean.
Alrighty, onward ho!
Describe your definition of love in great detail
This is a really hard thing to describe. I can't describe what love is but I can describe how it makes me feel. It makes me feel selfless. There are people who will naturally put themselves last and think of others first, but I've never been that way. I feel like I should take care of myself if I'm going to take care of anyone else. But Josh is the one person that I care about more than myself (well, other than my family but I'm not in love with my family). I put him first, even when he doesn't put me first. I care about him way more than I care about myself. When I'm with him, wherever we are, I feel at home. When I'm not with him, I feel homesick. Before him, I always assumed I would die young because I couldn't see myself getting older- it was almost like I didn't have a future. I can now imagine myself growing old, but he's always there. No matter how many times he's hurt me, I know I couldn't hurt him. I can't see him in pain, it crushes me. I don't know how to describe it. I wish I did, though. It's awful not being able to tell him exactly how I feel about him.
Describe your dreams
My dream is to be successful. That, to me, means being happy in whatever I am doing. I just want to keep true to myself. I hope to have a job that I love (which, I'll get to help animals every day so that is my dream!), I hope to travel, I hope to love and be loved. My dream is to accomplish everything that I've ever wanted- so that the day that I die, I can be satisfied with my life and not feel like I've left something undone.
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I really wish we would of went to that one. But for some reason I didn't think about it until after eating at King Buffet and by then I didn't have enough money to pay for both of us. Did the Fallen cover the Clash?
ReplyDeleteYour definitely not alone, I feel like that too. I don't think I feel like that to the degree you do, because I really only miss you, Brad and Jesse, but it still sucks. Brad doesn't even talk to me at all anymore and Jesse hardly does.
I don't know, I'm sure some of the bands think like that and it may be partially true, but I think both are to blame. I mean they can't put on good shows if no one comes and there can't be good shows without good bands, so eh. They really did seem glad they kept it open even for a year, all the other venues didn't last very long either. Also! Nathan and Dusty at least were always nice, Nathan lowered the price for Cody and me for one show and he thanked us once for always supporting the music. I just didn't have the money to go to every single show, we went when we could and when the bands sounded good, so I did my part. I would of went to more if every band didn't play metal, Witness the Reckoning is good and so is AKB, but I got tired of all metal. Even just punk would of been good, but The Fallen quit and there wasn't any more punk until the Corsairs started playing. ANYWAYS, there is probably going to be a Halloween show, so let's all go to that, we should try to get everyone who used to go to go. I like what Billy said and it's true, anyways I think I'll write about this in my blog because this comment is going to be long.
I'm sorry your family is full of asses :(
and I liked you description of love, I still need to do that one and I have no idea what to write.
They may have covered it, I'm not sure.
ReplyDeleteYeah, Brad doesn't talk to me either, even when I try to talk to him. Jesse has been texting me a lot lately- I think it's only because he texted me the other day and started talking about how he feels that way and I told him I felt the same.
Well, it's not all the bands. It's really just like one person from a band but I didn't want to mention their name specifically. I know for sure there are some people who are appreciative. Mark is awesome for trying to keep it going, Dusty and Nathan are the only two left in their band but they still play all that they can. I totally agree with what you said about the bands in your post- I used to complain about hearing the same bands ALL the time but after they quit I really wanted to hear them all the time again.
But I don't know, as far as what I wrote in my post in general, I'm guessing you and I are just going to have to disagree on this'un.
I finally got him to talk to me by sending a message and hopefully we're going to the movies soon. I've talked to Jesse some on facebook, but that's it. Hopefully the movie thing will get all of us talking more because Cody misses him too.
ReplyDeleteOh ok, well I think I just misunderstood you then. I thought you meant that most bands said that and that's now what I experienced. Also, I'm not sure what we disagreed about other than the blame part, but that's ok. I'm sure there will be more shows at some point.
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ReplyDeleteI totally meant that's not* what I experienced. Ignore the now.
ReplyDelete