So the two "30 day" assignments for today are to describe my first love in great detail and to describe my crush. I don't have a crush on him, I am in love with him. I described him as my best friend yesterday, but I suppose now I will describe our relationship.

Like I said on yesterday's post, I've known him since 8th grade. I never ever thought that we would get to where we are. We were never friends before we started dating, and barely even acquaintances, up until about a month or so. But Raeann, you know how adorable I thought he was. :) I would see him walk through the halls and I thought he was the cutest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life. 

I don't typically believe in fate, but there are a lot of things that could have kept us from being together. I had him as a friend on Myspace for a while, and he deleted that one and made a new one. I thought, "I'm not going to add his new one, I never talk to him anyway", but I felt this ridiculous urge to add him anyway. I made a blog once, venting and whining about something that seems stupid and inferior now, and he felt like he would "be there for me". It's really weird now that I think about it, because we were both talking to one another about people that we liked (who weren't each other) and trying to comfort one another, hahaha. SO WEIRD.

Anyhow, I made him laugh a lot then but not now. Go figure. Guess I'm not as funny after a while, hah. He ended up liking me (albeit I'm guessing I wasn't the only one) and he eventually asked me out on MSN. I was really excited, but I had no idea what I was in for. I thought he would be totally loyal and he was not like that at all at first. He pretty much was looking for a girlfriend for the entire first six months we were dating. He would flirt with them right in front of me, talk about them, it was ridiculous. I can't even believe that I took that, but I guess I took it for a reason. He lied to me a lot and I still feel like there are some things that he has lied to me about, but if I were to ask him he would lie about it so there's not even any sense in that.

It's awful for me to think about the past because then I just get mad at him, haha.

So that's why I try to focus on the future. It is like he is two totally different people. Honestly. He is amazing. I am the only one that he has eyes for and I really truly believe it. I don't ever worry about him cheating on me, I trust him completely. I know that he loves me and I know that he will be here forever.

Yesterday actually made two years and five months that we have been together. It seems like we have been together way longer than that, but it also feels like we haven't been together nearly as long.

Our first date was at a show that he was playing. I was his first kiss and we made out pretty much the entire night in his car. But he kissed me first which was totally unexpected. The next day we saw Juno in the theater and my parents met him. I met his mom a couple of months later when my parents (very surprisingly) let me go to his house. I was the first girl that he ever had over, and his mom absolutely adores me. She calls me her daughter-in-law, haha. That's what she introduces me to people as. I love every member of his family that I have ever met.

He's broken up with me once, I've almost broken up with him once, and it seems now that that couldn't have possibly happened. We don't have much in common including personality traits but I think it keeps things interesting. We are in love and that really about sums it up, as does "Wouldn't It Be Nice If We Were Older" by the Beach Boys. :)

Day 1- Introduce Yourself
Day 1 #2- Describe your best friend in great detail.

Hi :) My name is Tarah Kay Gaines. You should have known that. This entire thing is a friendship test and you have failed already. Anyway, once again, the only person who reads this (I think) knows me quite well. Or I think that she does. Maybe you'll learn something you didn't know.

I was born in Somerset, Kentucky; I lived in Faubush until I was six months old and then I moved to Jabez because my grandparents begged my mom to move beside them when my grandpa got sick at one point. I've lived here ever since. Most people who drive through it don't like it very much, but I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I complain about it a lot, but it is my home. The nature is beautiful no matter how lame the people are. And they are LAME. Some of the most spiteful people that I have ever known live here. But it isn't hard not to associate with them.

I've always loved attention when it is given to me, but I don't like to seek it. I look to people way too often for confirmation and I can't figure out why, I don't even like most of those people. And really, if they don't like something about me, I'm not going to change it anyway.

My brain does not have a censor button. If I think it, I say it. It's not something that I always like, but it happens. I don't call it "being outspoken", because it isn't something that I can help. More often than not, I end up wishing that I "hadn't said that". I think most people believe that I do it on purpose.

I feel like the person that others see or used to see or have seen is a totally different person than who I am. Or maybe I just hope that others see me the way that I want to be. I don't know which is which.

I really like doing creative things and I always have. I'm not scared of change but I am scared of a lack of stability. I love animals more than most people I've met, I would do anything I could to help any of them. I can say that I am the friend I would like to have (minus some exceptions). I wish I still had friends actually. I hate not standing out- and in a world where everyone is always trying to stand out, I don't so much. I don't do anything with my days anymore. They just pass and pass and I lose them. I dream of doing something big and being something great. I don't take crap but I am not mean. Though everyone thinks that I am before they meet me. I can't figure out why. I always hope they'll tell me but they never do. My family always tells me that they wish I were that, or they wish I were not this. I don't think they really understand what that does to a teenage girl's psyche. I have to create dream worlds in my brain so that I don't go into a severe depression. That sounds really teen angsty- I wish it was teen angst.

My favorite color is seafoam green, my favorite food is cocktail shrimp, I love 80s music. I have a LOT of Cherokee blood running through my veins. Traveling is something that I love to do. I can't stand to be in a room with a television that is turned off. I brush my teeth naked and I can't stand to use the bathroom when I am wet. I like reality television and I love talk shows. Reading is something that I have enjoyed doing since I was four. There are a lot of things about me and it will take me forever to think of it all.

So, on to describing my best friend in great detail!

My boyfriend is my best friend. A lot of people find it cute, I find it kind of pitiful. Or I do until I actually think about it. Sometimes I think that it is only because I don't have a lot of friends anymore. But really when I think about it, I believe that even if I had a million friends, he would be my best friend.

I started dating him before we even knew each other very well, and to be honest, I never thought that it would go very far for that reason. It has almost ended a whole lot of times and our problems have pretty much become everyone's business. Sometimes I even feel like I wish I had broken up with him just to prove to everyone that I'm not the pushover that they undoubtedly think that I am now. In hindsight, I should have anyway. Every now and then I get the tiny thought that I want him to hurt like he has hurt me. But realistically I would never want that. Ideally, none of the bad things would have happened but he really has changed for me, and that is what is really flattering. Way more flattering than if he had been like this right from the get-go. Then there would be no proof that, to him, I am worth changing for.

So, onto him!
He has huge earholes and he hates refried beans. I hate when he makes me watch Terminator movies and we don't agree on what song to listen to in the car. I sing to him a lot. I've always been able to make people laugh almost effortlessly but he doesn't think I'm funny. Haha. Every laugh I get out of him is well-earned. His favorite color is green, like mine. He's a huge sap. He's extremely talented. He loves his mom. He loves animals and doesn't mind my crazy cat lady stories. He thinks I'm beautiful. He hates seafood which I will never understand. He is corrupting me and I feel that is totally backwards- I should be corrupting him! Like I said before, we didn't know each other very well before we started dating and he is totally different than I would have thought! He is not sweet and innocent, he is insane and he is a pervert, and I love him very much. He has changed my mind about wanting to be married and wanting children. I feel home sick when I am not with him. He is going to Morehead with me- just dropping everything and going with me. He supports everything that I do, and likewise. He watches Tyra with me and I know he doesn't like it. I used to write stupid retarded notes in eighth grade and I figured he would think I was insane but it made him have a crush on me. I wish he would stop wearing hats so much, he has really great hair. Either his grandpa or great-grandpa moved to America from Germany during the Holocaust. I could write about him forever.

 I'm going to do two "30 days" things in 30 days! This is the only time I've ever done 60 things thirty days in my entire life. The internet makes me feel accomplished.
Sometimes, there will only be one entry because some of the days are repetitive.
I really wish that I had a camera that isn't a piece of crap. This would be way more interesting with pictures.

30 Days:
Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

The Bible has begun to make me mad. I can't just read it and comprehend it like I would any other book. I read it and I find myself going "I don't like that". So I've stopped for the time being. (I'm doing it wrong!) For now, I'm quite content in not knowing what I believe in. I'm not trying to become a Christian. I would actually also like to read the Bible equivalents of other religions. Religion divides more than it should but the ideas/theories are interesting.

Anyhow. I found some things on little Nicole's tumblr that I think are interesting. (Why do people have so many different blogging blogs nowadays!? Remember when we all just had Xanga?)

So here is this.

If I were a month, I’d be June.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Wednesday- it's not significant but you can't have a week without it.
If I were a time of day, I’d be 2 AM.
If I were a planet, I’d be Mars. Everyone would want to probe me. Just kidding.
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a dolphin. I'm friendly, but I'd eat a shark when it comes down to it. 
If I were a direction, I’d be south.
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a worn-out couch.
If I were a liquid, I’d be lemonade.
If I were a gemstone, I’d be an emerald.
If I were a tree, I’d be a weeping willow.
If I were a tool, I’d be on Tool Academy.
If I were a flower, I’d be a sunflower.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be heat.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be an electric cello.
If I were a color, I’d be screamin' green.
If I were an emotion, I’d be thrill.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a blackberry.
If I were a sound, I’d be an Eddie Van Halen riff.
If I were an element, I’d be fire.
If I were a vehicle, I’d be a Hummer plastered in Rainforest Alliance stickers. I'm mostly a walking contradiction.
If I were a food, I’d be something tangy.
If I were a place, I’d be nowhere that you'd go on vacation but somewhere you might want to call home.
If I were a material, I’d be flannel (I'm no lesbian!).
If I were a taste, I’d be something tangy, once again.
If I were a scent, I’d be something breezy... I don't know how to describe it. But the kind of scent that blue-colored candles always have to them.  
If I were an object, I’d be a journal.
If I were a body part, I’d be a mouth.
If I were a facial expression, I’d be a smirk.
If I were a song, I’d be 80s new wave.
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be the pair of shoes at the back of your closet that you rediscover after years and fall back in love with.

Also, I believe I am going to do this: starting tomorrow. I'm not sure if it means to use pictures but I don't have a worthy camera so I doubt that I am going to do that. But I will write little entries (or add entries to my already-entries). Yes, even to my reflection. I'm better with words than photography anyway.

30 Day Challenge
Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but are too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I went to the fair tonight with Josh, Raeann, and Cody. Raeann, thank you so much for a) going with me and giving me a riding buddy :) and b) making me the cutest bracelet I've ever seen in my entire life.

It was fun times and I met a dog. I don't think he belonged to anyone but he was so sweet. I really regret not going back and buying him something to eat at one of the stands. I really hope someone can take care of him, or that he belongs to someone and just happened to wander away from home because he liked the excitement.

In other news... I haven't posted in a while and I suppose I should get up-to-date on what's been going on.
My uncle Dick's funeral and burial was last Sunday. I did not do well with it at all. I never do at funerals, but especially this one. Death is something that hasn't always bothered me. I know that we are supposed to accept it as inevitable but it seems like I am moving backwards. I used to accept it as inevitable but now it is something I am terrified of.

Only about twenty people showed up, but he wasn't originally from here so he didn't really know anyone. We were his friends. He was actually technically our in-law, but we didn't consider him that. Everyone was really upset, but he was a great person. His son didn't even show up and I am really angry with him right now because of that. I shouldn't judge him because I am sure that he was having a hard time dealing with it. But if uncle Dick knew that he didn't show up, he would be heartbroken.

In other, other news... I apologized to someone that I really needed to apologize to. It's hard for me to apologize but when I am in the wrong, I WILL do it. I just wish I had done it sooner because she definitely deserved one.

In other news x3... hah... I have been doing something for the past couple of days that may seem really out-of-character for me. I have been reading the Bible. Not only that, but I have been taking notes! Not even joking. Literally taking notes on every chapter. I'm not all religious, or really even spiritual, now. But I am Agnostic, and I actually have been since I was little. I was raised Southern Baptist and I've ALWAYS had my doubts. A lot of things just didn't add up and I never really believed. I have no idea what I believe, actually. So I've decided to read the Bible and figure out what it is that I DO believe. I believe that there is *probably* a God and that is about the extent of it. I'm actually not sure how I feel about that either. I guess it's like a "spiritual journey"... except that sounds really stupid so that's not what I am going to say that it is. I DO know for certain that I am not going to church and I am not going to ask others to "help me" in my beliefs. I feel like it is something that I should figure out on my own.

My great-uncle Dick passed away tonight.
He was in awful shape, he had stage four lung cancer and most likely liver cancer.
When I visited him, he was alert, he just felt bad.
The past couple of days, he hasn't known who anyone is or what was going on.
That could have been due to the morphine, but either way I am just glad I got to visit him at a time that he knew who I was and realized that I care about him.
I haven't lost someone that I was this close to since his wife Max passed away, who actually died of the same thing.
It hasn't fully hit me yet, I think. Because I haven't been around other family members to see how they are reacting.
I just really honestly hope that he was so jacked up on morphine that he didn't realize he was going. That may sound awful, but my grandma witnessed her sister (aunt Max) pass when she did and she was very resistant. She basically screamed that she didn't want to die the entire time that the process was happening.
As much as I may doubt it, I really hope that heaven is real for everyone who wants it to be. I know that all Dick wanted was to be with Max.

P.S.- I won $500 at Bingo tonight but I didn't really care.
P.P.S.- Don't ever watch The Human Centipede, no matter how much you are inclined. It's less like watching a movie and more like being dared to eat maggots. I have the strongest stomach of anyone I know and I haven't eaten today and I am starving. I also feel really awkward when I have to poop now.
That was probably really inappropriate for this post.

“It’s like 8 kinds of suck in a 9 suck bag”

I went to the hospital with my grandparents on Friday to see my uncle. He isn’t looking well and it was tough to see him that way. My grandma said he actually looked better, and the doctor came in while we were there and said he is wheezing less when he breathes. That’s good news but they still have biopsies to do- on his liver and lungs.  His airways are really constricted though, so they may have to go through his bronchial tubes. You can tell his airways are constricted in the way that he talks and breathes. Apparently no one even knows if he has cancer! This is madness.

I really, really hate cancer. No one likes it, but I mean, I REALLY hate cancer. I can’t count the number of family members that it’s taken. That’s why I get so ticked off with my mom for smoking. Not because it’s expensive and something we can’t afford, not because every time I think I smell really good someone tells me I smell like cigarettes, but because she has seen what it does to people and it’s like she doesn’t care if it happens to her. I expect her to go to the doctor any day for something totally irrelevant, like an aching knee or the flu, and learn that she has six months to live. I don’t just worry about it, I literally EXPECT it every day. Even though it sounds horrible, I think my first reaction would be anger. She KNOWS what it does and she doesn’t care.

An older lady actually came up to my mom the other day and asked her for a cigarette. My mom gave her one, the lady PUT ON AN OXYGEN MASK, and proceeded to smoke. I couldn’t even believe it. I guess I just don’t understand why people do this to themselves. They don’t deserve it by any means, but why don’t they know better?

I don’t even want to be a nag but that’s what I do. I nag Josh all the time about his smoking. He’s not been into the habit long enough for it to have taken an extremely serious toll on his body. I think about him dying from lung cancer forty years before I die and I just sit and cry about it.

But, I don’t mean to hang a giant black cloud over everyone’s day.

So, here’s some good news. My kitten’s eye is better. I mean, not BETTER, she’s blind in it- it’s completely glazed over now and gone a weird grey-blue. But the swelling has went down a notable amount. She only has to take her medicine until Wednesday and she should be fine!

Also, I’m taking a vacation and it’s about damn time. It’s with my parents though so I’m not sure how well that will turn out. We’re not doing anything specific- just going to Pigeon Forge, staying in a condo, doing some shopping, checking out Cherokee, North Carolina. I’m excited about NC only because I’ve never been there before. Also, I’m really interested in Native Americans ever since I learned I am one… haha.

Anyhow. I’m going to attempt to do all of my Christmas shopping on Amazon, and doing most of it with Swagbucks so that I don’t have to use real money. I have four potential things I want to get Josh, and one thing I want to get my mom. I have no idea what I’m getting my dad, and other than that, I’m pretty much making everyone a gift. Hopefully I’ll have a job by Christmas so that I can buy my dad something that I’ve been wanting to get him for a while.

That ‘tis all for now!

I have good cat lady news!
My kitten's eye is not out of its socket, apparently it is just infected and Amoxicillin is the solution.
The vet said it probably stuck something in it.
I noticed that it can still close its eye and I don't think it would be able to do that if it were coming out of socket... because I have seen those people on Ripley's Believe it or Not.
It's not going to appreciate getting medicine shoved down its throat twice a day.


I am RELIEVED.

I am going tomorrow to see my uncle Dick in the hospital tomorrow, which is going to be pretty tough.
Apparently he is not doing too well, and I want to see him before he passes away.
He's pretty much given up at living now because his wife (my grandma's sister) died of the same thing about 8 years ago, and he saw how it affected her. So I guess he just thinks there is no hope.
I REALLY hate cancer. I'm not sure where it gets the idea that it can just take the people I love without asking me first.
There has been a really weird mixture of great and awful things happening lately.

So many crazy cat lady problems, so little money!

I just don't have enough money for these kinds of vet bills.

I went outside this morning and sat on the porch swing, waiting for my mom to get finished getting ready so I could go to the park. While I was waiting, my little tan kitten came up on the porch and just looked at me. It's always had the tendency to get "bad eyes". But they started clearing up on their own every couple of days (and it isn't all that tame so it was a pain to catch it without it screaming bloody murder) so I stopped taking the time to clean them. Probably a bad idea. So now I feel extremely guilty. I guess this time its eye didn't clear up properly and a lot of fluid built up behind it or something. Now that its eye has finally opened, I noticed this awful bulge. I picked up the kitten and its eye is, like, out of its eye socket. It's awful.

I'm almost positive that it's lost sight in that eye now. Dad took a picture of it and is going to the vet tomorrow (we have to do vet appointments that way because we don't have a pet carrier)... to see if (maybe, HOPEFULLY) the solution will be as simple as eye drops or an antibiotic. It seems more likely that the problem will have to be surgically corrected. Maybe the eye can be saved, maybe it will have to be removed. Either way, I don't think it is life-threatening unless we wait too long and it becomes infected. I don't know how much this procedure will cost, but even if it isn't that much, I have absolutely no idea how I am going to pay for it.

It takes way too much begging and convincing to even get my parents to go to the vet, there's virtually no way I could get them to pay for surgery. They have this thing... this REALLY annoying thing... where, if I ask them to take a sick cat/kitten to the vet, they say "The vet couldn't do anything for it".

=|

Really? The VETERINARIAN couldn't do anything for the ANIMAL?
Sigh. Bless my parents and their backwoods way of doing things.
We went through this when Sweetpea was sick. I'm still convinced the vet could have done something for her. This kitten isn't sick, it acts as it normally does, but that can't be the most comfortable thing in the world. It's at least still behind its eyelids so it can perhaps sleep.
My dad did see once he got home from work that it is way worse than he thought it was going to be, so I've got that going for me.
This is an awful position to be in! 

Happy birthday, America! Sorry that no one got you anything except pollution. You're lucky I sat this one out! That's right. I'm in the house with my parents, watching fireworks on television because we are too poor to buy them in real life. All for you, America!

Today was alright I guess. I went to the flea market and bought a neon shirt and a book I've already read- fantastic. I then went to the Peddler's Mall and was looking for a specific porcelain blue and white elephant but the people that ran the booth decided nobody wanted their elephant and they shut down. 

Also, my uncle Dick was diagnosed with lung cancer. His wife, my aunt Max, passed away due to the same thing several years ago. He isn't even blood-related to me, but he is my favorite great-uncle. Please think good thoughts for him. He's in the hospital right now and not doing very well at all.

Let's see, what else? I bought Just Dance so that I would have some more options for exercising and I like it a lot. This month's issue of Seventeen came with a 6-week workout plan so I am going to do that and see how it works out. I haven't been to Zumba in a while and probably won't be very often. 

I'm going to go twirl some Sparklers and scare the crap out of my cats with Pop Pops I guess.

First off, look at this. BAHAH.

Secondly, my mom is the most embarrassing person in the entire world.
You can stop treating me like I'm 2. I kind of almost am, except there's a 0 on the end.
I am beating myself in the face for not *going away* to college. SMH.

Now, then.
I've found so many cute things!
...That I can't afford.
Actually, they aren't that expensive individually.
Except the owl ring is freakin' $65.

These are things that I would looove to learn how to make:

These are all from shanalogic.com, so that I don't get copyright infringed!

I guess I'm doing better.
I want to upload pictures soon.
My blog tells me who I am following but also... doesn't.
It tells me I am not following anyone on my reading list, and then when I go to people's blogs it asks me to follow them. But since the list is right there, I'll follow everyone that I was following before. If you get another request from me, that's why.

R.I.P. Sweet Pea :(
I tried everything I could, I wish some of it had worked.
I love you and miss you sitting on my feet, little noggin.

I got my laptop in the mail today. I’ll post a picture of it later, it’s really sweet. It would be nice to care. But I don’t, because I have other things to worry about. This post is going to be long and it is just going to be me being really sad and whiny.

I have this kitten, Sweet Pea, and it is the most adorable thing in the history of ever. I’ve only gotten to know her for five weeks and she’s already going to be taken from me. The other two kittens of the litter passed away- one when it was born and the other a few weeks ago. Sweet Pea has always been so small. I can fit her in the palm of my hand. Sweet Pea is Gizmo’s kitten, and was born two days before Lily’s kittens but she is about half the size.

The kittens are just learning how to climb up and down the steps on the porch, and it took Sweet Pea a bit longer to be able to because of how tiny she is. They love sleeping in my mom’s flower bed beneath her rose bushes. I walked down the steps so I could bring Sweet Pea on the porch because the other kittens were already up there. Sweet Pea is very calm-natured anyway so I didn’t think anything of it that she let me pick her up with no problem. That’s how she’s always been. When I sat her down, though, she couldn’t walk. She struggled so much and would fall over and start meowing relentlessly. It was obvious how frustrated she was. I immediately started crying my eyes out- I knew there was something wrong. My dad was absolutely no help- “I was waiting for this, she’s so small, I’m surprised she’s made it this long”, etc. etc. I started crying even harder.

I was holding her and crying when she started biting at my finger, so I know that meant she was hungry. I fed her milk from a dropper. I know that cow’s milk is a no-no for kittens, but I really had no other choice at the time being. I watered it down and I really just wanted to give her something to give her a little bit of strength. She perked up pretty instantly. Though she still couldn’t walk, she was able to stand up. Later that night I saw her mother nursing her so I thought she wasn’t sick… I’ve seen the way that cats act around other cats when they’re sick. If she were sick, Gizmo wouldn’t have let her nurse or even be around the other kittens.

I slept not a wink last night. I couldn’t. I had a stomach ache, heartburn, I was just really stressed out and upset. My mom woke me up this morning to show me how she was doing. I knew that was good. My mom does some strange things, but she wouldn’t want to show me Sweet Pea being dead. My dad said he woke up this morning expecting to find her dead but she was running around and playing all morning.

When I woke up for the second time at about 10:30 AM, I went to check on her. She was sleeping. No big deal. But when I noticed a few hours later that she was still laying there, I tried to pick her up. She would scream like she was in awful pain. Now none of the cats will get around her, so I know there is something wrong. She’s been going downhill all day.

She tries to meow and nothing comes out. I’ve forced her to drink water from a dropper to keep her hydrated at least, because neither Gizmo nor Lily are nursing her. I don’t want to give her any more cow’s milk (even though I’m sure she’s hungry) because I can’t risk her getting diarrhea. I’ve given her antibiotics that I got from the vet for another cat- but it’s just amoxicillin which can be used for basically anything. My parents are out right now getting her some KMR (Kitten Milk Replacement) or goat milk, depending on what they can find.  I have BEGGED my parents to take her to the vet but they’re convinced that they won’t be able to do anything. I’m not sure what makes them think they know. It’s so frustrating. They’re upset but only because I’m upset, and that honestly pisses me off a little. I could really not care less how I’m feeling right now, I’m just worried about Sweet Pea. I’m hoping for the best and expecting the worst at this point but thinking that she is suffering or in pain the least little bit kills me. I can’t even stand to think that she is uncomfortable. It’s awful. It doesn’t seem fair that something so little and defenseless should be allowed to have this sort of thing happen to them when there are murderers walking around taking up all kinds of space.

I actually had the thought, “I wish it were one of the others instead of her” and I guess that’s horrible. Ideally nothing horrible would ever be able to happen. I do know that if I saw awful things happening daily in a world that I supposedly created, I wouldn’t stand around and do nothing like an asshole.

Life as I know it.

My life right now is not interesting to myself or anyone else.
It consists of swimming, waiting for television shows to come on, checking on my kittens, weighing myself, texting my boyfriend, talking to my parents, thinking about how I don't have a car, worrying about the future, reading, doing paint by numbers, trying to explain to my mom why I don't invite people over without directly coming out and saying "I have, like, two friends". And every once in a while I get lucky enough to have an outing with someone.
Something really stupid happens to me daily so I have good stories often, I just don't have many people to tell them to anymore. For instance, I cut myself on a microwave recently. I could construct a whole movie out of that. My stories go on forever. No big deal, it's just a GIFT.
One good thing has come out of the past few months though! I did try to re-friend my friends and have relationships with them and do things with them and it seems that it's not going to work. We are just on different paths of our lives right now, and that is no one's fault. That's not the good thing. The good thing is that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I did it, it's done, and it won't do. You're my only hope Raeann. No pressure.

I would absolutely love to have a car and a job. As for this whole schooling thing, I sent an e-mail to Midway Vet and got a very helpful e-mail in return from a veterinarian there. Basically, he highly recommends Morehead's program, and if I got on-the-job-training (which they do offer) it would be to become a vet assistant, not a vet tech. Those are two very different things that no one else seems to understand. Then again, when I tell my family that I am going to become a vet tech, they translate it as "She's going to become a veterinarian and make lots of money and be our savior!" Like I've said before, if I didn't disappoint them all, who would? I do it out of love. Not that I'm extremely happy to have to move to Morehead but it's settled one way or the other so that's a relief. And it helps that the place is freakin' beautiful. Not scary like Lexington. I'm not at all worried about being murdered in Morehead. It's a smaller town than Somerset even, more like Nancy or something, so I'm sure that the drug trafficking ring is a great deal smaller! Gotta hand it to the meth makers of Somerset though, they work their asses off to put us on the white trash map.

Now, after telling Josh that we have to move to Lexington, then changing that to Morehead, then changing that to "nevermind, I don't have to move at all", to moving to Morehead again, and "nevermind, we're not even going"... I now get to relocate him to Morehead once more. He's lucky to have me.

I haven't been on in a good while!
My laptop finally bit the dust. I took it to a computer repair shop and apparently the video chip in the motherboard is broken, and a new one costs about $91. Not too bad, but I've had so many problems with this laptop that I am swearing off HPs forever! I had to replace the hard drive within a matter of months after getting it, it overheats way too easily because they thought it'd be a good idea to not put the fan by the CPU, and now the screen is all rolly.

SO I purchased a Dell Inspiron 15. The cover design I chose is spiffy! It's called "Seaweed", and is white with teal and black swirls everywhere. It took $703 and some cents from the $705.74 I had on my debit card. Woe is me. I am yet again broke until Fall.

My life has been eventful lately with things that are not too interesting!
I've spent time with Josh, went to the movies with Raeann, walked the Relay For Life, started Zumba again, and just been out and about in general.

I got my hair chopped off yesterday. I decided I really like Brandy at Dimensions. She is the only person who, when I say I want my hair choppy and thinned out, has actually done that for me. I really regret these bangs. They are really short and my hairline makes my hair want to grow straight down so they won't even go to the side. And since they are short, it's a lot of work to make them lie flat. But I'll get used to it in time I suppose. It wasn't her fault, it was my idea. I shouldn't be allowed to have ideas, I realized that they are all really bad.

I'm going to the fair today with Josh! I just hope that the rain decides to stay away. The sun looks like it's shining so I really hope so. Peach sno-cones and my boy, sounds like a good day. :)

I'm doing okay with my no diet soda/no fast food for the month thing. I haven't had soda or diet soda at all. I've rarely drank anything other than water. I have had fast food though, but it totally wasn't even my fault. I had no idea Frisch's was fast food. THEY HAVE A SALAD BAR. I should've known better, anything with a drive-thru is likely fast food. The point is, my mom knew it was fast food and she chose to eat there anyway. Without even telling me it was fast food until afterward. And then she laughed. She obviously either doesn't see or care that I am taking this seriously. Whattabitch. That's how it has been with nearly everyone since I've started to lose weight though. "You don't need to lose weight", or they bring me something sweet or fast food or something super not good for me. It's ridiculous... and reminiscent of a couple of years ago when all of my (very large) family members were accusing me of being anorexic and, let's just say it, a coke whore. No. I'm sorry that you're still fat.

ALSO. Exciting news for me (just because I love to travel and I'm all into my heritage since I discovered how much Native American I actually am)... I apparently am taking my dad's vacation pay this August or September and going to Cherokee, NC. I'm excited! I've never been there. My mom wants to play a twelve-hour Bingo game. Hah.

I suppose that's all. I'll update more and comment more when I actually have a laptop... this desktop is junk now.

I just spent four hours re-doing my bathroom and cleaning every single thing in it, and throwing tons of stuff away. It is so relaxing just to know that it is CLEAN. It no longer looks like Andy Warhol ate a huge bunch of daisies and orange Skittles and then vomited everywhere. It is "aquamarine". I am very pleased.

Then I walk into my bedroom and see what a hot mess it is and I get very stressed out.
I didn't get to paint today like I had planned and the things I took off my walls are all lying in the floor so it is very cluttered and hard to walk in.

The paint I got is called "Lime Smoothie" but it isn't lime green. It's the prettiest seafoam green color that I could find, and it looks very similar to this.



It feels good to know that I'm going to go through and throw away all of the things that I don't want/need, that way I don't have to worry about what to do with it.

Until then, I don't even want to go in there! And I can't go into my living room because there are sheets and tarps all over everything, my mom is painting the ceiling. I suppose I'll just hang out in here for a while.

I have no huge responsibilities but I have so much to do.
Nothing that I actually have to do, just things that, in my mind, are really crucial.

Like learning how to do different stitches in crocheting and knitting, buying containers to put random things in so that my room can be a little bit organized, painting something for Josh's new house, crocheting four afghans for Christmas gifts, watching this dude's forty Youtube videos so that I can teach myself piano. He breaks it down so it should be pretty simple. My keyboard is definitely getting put back in my room after Spring (Summer?) cleaning. Technically, it's my uncle's keyboard. But, he let me borrow it and then made us disown him because he was being a butt. This is the one time I gained something out of someone being an asshole! SUCCESS!

I am getting really carried away with this "happy thoughts" fit I am having. I refuse to let myself get down. I started to get upset at humanity in general earlier, but you know what I did? I googled chinchillas. And all seemed right with the world.

Thanks to Swagbucks, I have $20.50 on my Amazon account. Not my money. Well, it is now. But I have bought so many things with this. I'm saving up for Just Dance right now. Anything that gives me more options for exercise is good. Because I am starting to slip. Badly. I've gained four pounds and have been eating for the heck of it. That is bad. It all started with pizza. This is why I have to stay away from pizza, it is definitely my Achille's heel. This time, though, I'm going to catch it before it gets too carried away. That's what I should have done before, instead of letting myself gain fifty pounds before I took care of it. Eh well, I'm trying.

I'm thinking about taking Matt's advice and just start making crap up so y'all will be a little interested.

I almost let my paranoid mother get my day off to a bad start. But it won't work!
I was supposed to have plans today, but I canceled them because I thought I'd end up having to, anyway.

Josh, I think, is packing today to move into his new place. He's sharing it with a friend, but it isn't an apartment, it is an actual house that they pay rent on. He'll be close to Presidium so it will save a lot of gas. It means he's a lot farther away from me, but at least it isn't Oldham County.

I really, really hate when guys try to hit on me on Myspace. I would have thought that whole section about my boyfriend would have kept them away a little bit. Needless to say, when they ask what kind of music I'm into while of course adding "wut kind of guys r u into hon?!" onto the end... and I answer the music part and say "I'm into my boyfriend", they stop caring about what kind of music I am into. And also, you are twenty seven, you creep-ass.

OH.

Highlight of my year so far = Trevor Moore said four, count 'em... four, words to me on Facebook.
Am I pathetic? Probably. But am I happy? Yes.

My blog is way more boring than I intended it to be.

So, I was watching American Idol like I do every year. There's one contestant who always seemed sort of... familiar to me. Until my parents mentioned it I had no idea why. His face looks exactly like my boyfriend's face.

I can't even get over it. I just keep looking at his face and being really weirded out.

Anyway, as we have established by now, I really like making lists. So I made this list of one hundred things I want to do before I die.

1. Celebrate my one hundredth birthday.

2. Participate in something that greatly benefits animal welfare (besides donating).

3. Visit every state in the U.S. at least once, Canada, Mexico, as well as at least one country on every other continent (except Antarctica... but maybe...).

4. Swim with dolphins.

5. Take a safari in Africa.

6. Go to Australia and hold a koala bear.

7. Get every pet I've ever wanted.

8. Ride a roller coaster.

9. Own my dream home.

10. Become a mother.

11. Get every tattoo I want.

12. Get every piercing I want.

13. Become a veterinary technician.

14. Lose fifty pounds.

15. Read every book in a library.

16. Find a doctor that can help my grandpa see again.

17. Own a weeping willow tree.

18. Teach myself piano.

19. Sing in front of an audience.

20. Be on as many game shows as possible.

21. Get a video on America's Funniest Home Videos.

22. Follow a band on their entire tour (preferably Van Halen).

23. Attend a film festival.

24. Move. Out. Of. Jabez.

25. Meet all members of the Whitest Kids U Know.

26. Get married outdoors.

27. Gain a friend for life.

28. Paint something that someone will buy.

29. Teach someone something that they can use for the rest of their life.

30. Try out for American Idol. It's all in fun, I won't be upset if I don't make it. :)

31. Learn to cook.

32. This will not be listed but I will let you know when it is accomplished...hah.

33. Be published a third time.

34. Get through college without debt.

35. Play a role in a Judd Appatow film, even if it is tiny.

36. Track down my entire family history from all sides.

37. Live to see the cure for cancer.

38. Go on a roadtrip with no particular destination.

39. Go to as many amusement parks as possible.

40. Sleep outside on a trampoline.

41. Go to the beach.

42. Draw out a tattoo that someone will get. What sucks is that I've almost accomplished this. Twice.

43. Paint a mural.

44. Go to stand-up shows of all of my favorite comedians.

45. Help someone else fulfill a goal (please lemme know!)

46. Pick up at least twenty new hobbies.

47. Do stand-up comedy at least once!

48. Upload a video on Youtube.

49. Get one million hits on that video.

50. Spend all day playing Dominoes with my grandma.

51. Take my parents on a trip to Hawaii.

52. Beat every Guitar Hero game on expert with all instruments.

53. Do as many charity walks as possible.

54. Have tofurkey for Thanksgiving.

55. Meet Ruby Gettinger and tell her how much she inspires me.

56. Write a journal entry every day for the rest of my life.

57. I want my child(ren) to be able to meet all of my grandparents.

58. Go out in public with no makeup.

59. Conquer my fear of spiders.

60. Hide in my closet, record a video, and send it to Bin Laden. See how he likes that mess.

60. (I'm redoing 60, since I wouldn't know where to send the video. We are not quite as good at Hide and Seek as he is). I want to inspire someone.

61. Spend a day with terminally ill patients in a hospital.

62. Volunteer at a nursing home and listen to all of their stories, even if they smell like moth balls and have no idea what they're talking about. I love old people!

63. Break a record.

64. Go a month without saying a mean thing about anyone. I've already tried this. It didn't work. But we'll see.

65. I also can't say what #65 is, but I will let you know when mission #65 is complete!

66. Buy Christmas gifts for a child who otherwise wouldn't receive any.

67. Adopt a pet who has been abused or neglected and show it that it is not worthless.

68. Be in the audience of a TV show.

69. 69. Just kidding. Meet someone who tends to think everyone from Kentucky is stupid and play Jeopardy with them.

70. Meet the doctor who told my mom that I would be full of birth defects and that she should abort me. Possibly slap him, depending on whether or not I meet him during the month that I am trying to be nice to everyone.

71. Go to every restaurant Guy Fieri has been to on Diiners, Drive-ins and Dives.

72. Start a garden and eat nothing but things I grow for at least a month.

73. Go a year without fast food.

74. Reach my 50th wedding anniversary.

75. Help do something about the pollution in the ocean.

76. Cut out diet soda for a month (we'll try for longer, but I am really diet soda dependent).

77. Get a secret on PostSecret.

78. Do something that lands me on a talk show. Not on Jerry Springer, Maury, and preferably not Steve Wilkos.

79. Make everyone I meet from here on out smile.

80. Meet Betty White and get her to tell me a St. Olaf story as Rose Nyland.

81. Go to all of my high school reunions.

82. Help plan a wedding that isn't my own.

83. Ride a horse.

84. Sleep in one of those canopy beds on the beach.

85. Start an Etsy and sell at least three things.

86. Play Chubby Bunny with a group of people.

87. Wear every eye shadow that I own at least once in public (even the neon colors).

88. See a ghost.

89. Drive a Hummer.

90. Do something I am good at (maybe crocheting), sell them, and donate the proceeds to charity.

91. Get a caricature of myself drawn.

92. Go a day without watching television. It probably doesn't seem like a huge deal to anyone else, but I cannot stand to be in a room with a television that is not turned on.

93. Change someone's life for the better.

94. Get on the Dean's List. I missed it this semester by like .4 GPA points. Craaaaaap.

95. Ride a camel.

96. Play with a baby orangutan.

97. Participate in Lent, even though I am not Catholic. Maybe I'll give up diet soda. Kill two birds with one stone.

98. Be completely happy with myself.

99. Have an amazing tree house!

100. Complete this list.