Obviously I'm not going to do this thirty days thing anymore!
I'm thinking about getting a Tumblr... but...
I don't know. I already have this.
It's like an ongoing contest with me.
How many places can I write my crap!?
I already have like three or four blogs and like five paper journals.
RAGH.

Day seventeen

Favorite memories.

This is going to be really hard for me. I'll just do what Raeann did and do some separate ones for Josh and for friends.

I'm just really fond of thinking about our first date. I can remember every single detail. I was so surprised that he kissed me because everyone told me I'd be lucky if he held my hand. I was hugging him, he kissed the top of my head... I went to kiss his cheek but he moved his head really fast and kissed me on the lips. I got so shy, I had to bury my face into his chest so that he couldn't see how much I was blushing.
The first time I went to his house was awesome. We cuddled the whole time and watched Jackass and a bunch of band DVDs, which is really closely related to what we still do now.
Of course, other things that you don't want to know about.
I just enjoy doing everything with him. I remember when I first started going places with JUST him in his car... I immediately just wanted to go everywhere with him. I feel so... I don't know, cozy?, when it's just us eating out, in his car, walking through Wal-Mart, walking through the mall, doing anything together.

With friends... oh my goodness. When it was just common knowledge that we'd all be at the movies Friday night, when we'd walk to the gas station in front of the cinema to get energy drinks or because there was nothing better to do. When we'd go to every single show at Brandywine and walk to Dairy Queen, Food Fair... all of the shows elsewhere, where I got to know so many people. Even a lot of memories at school, just seeing people every day, knowing people were happy to see me. The times Raeann and I would go to the movies, or when she would spend the night with me. Actually meeting new friends. Feeling infinite. When Sarah, Nate, Justin, and I were at that Halloween party and we accidentally drank Moonshine. When I went to Justin's house with Brandon and Nate and we all walked to my house at night because I think I broke Justin's mom's car. That show at the fairgrounds that lasted for like 12 hours and I was sweaty, dirty, and hungry and I didn't care. Having more than one guy like me. That was kind of fun. Hah. When Sarah and I skipped school to go to concerts- Gigantour with In Flames, Children of Bodom and Megadeth, and then Foreigner, Styx, and Def Leppard. Just everything.

Someone from my childhood.
When I think of my childhood, most of the memories I have are with one person. I should probably miss her. I don't, really... which I suppose is a little sad or a little mean, I don't know. Anyway, Stephanie Harris was my best friend. She was at my house basically every day. Either that or I was at hers. She used to annoy the crap out of me, and we would fight if we were together longer than thirty minutes but it kind of made up for not having a sibling. We probably became best friends when I was 4 or so, and we lost touch altogether when I was 14 I guess. We didn't have a fight or anything, we just drifted apart like I have with everyone else. We've always been totally different people, I have no idea how we even got along as well as we did.

Day sixteen

I've been slacking on this for the past few days for some reason.

 First kiss.
I don't know, I kind of wish I didn't have to describe this one. I kind of regret that it happened just because I wish it had been with Josh now... I was his first kiss and everything, so it would have been sweet if he were mine, too.

Anyhow, it took place on I think July 22, 2007 ? when I was dating... my "ex boyfriend". Only, I don't know. We had just went to the fair... It was our second "date", we had been dating for like... eleven days. And back then, EVERYBODY was driven around by their parents, it wasn't just me so it wasn't embarrassing. :) My dad was driving us home. He kept trying to kiss me in the backseat of the car on the way home, but wouldn't for some reason. So I was like, "Oh my God", and I just did it. Haha I was like "Wtf what if he did not even want me to do that"... but he did it like a billion times after that so my fears were lifted. The only details I'm going to bother with are that he obviously didn't shave his face that day and he smelled like pina coladas. I must have been really bad at it though, because he broke up with me ten minutes later. lawl.

Someone that's not in my state/country.
This one makes it obvious that this whole 30 days thing is meant more for pictures than descriptions. I don't even want to do this one. :( Haha I'm sick of this already. :P

Day fifteen

Your dreams in great detail.
I already did this one :( ah, two conflicting 30 days thingies, you are supposed to have totally different questions!

The person you miss the most.
I've started talking to Robert pretty regularly again, and it made me realize that I really, really miss him. He was my best friend for, like, three years. He knew everything about me and I talked to him about everything. We had so much fun together and he made me laugh until I almost squirted a little.

Day fourteen

What I wore today in great detail.
I really can't remember what I wore three days ago :/ so I'll just tell you what I wore today!
What I wore today... is the exact same thing I was wearing last time I told you what I was wearing in great detail. I don't know if that's weird or disgusting.


Someone you've drifted away from.
EVERYONE.
K, so now that this post is over with...

Day thirteen + rant.

RANT! I just feel like being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious is useless, if you aren't joking. I just think it is a lost cause if you "just say what's on your mind" only because you know you can get away with it. People aren't going to be mean to you and I don't think I need to say why. It's an awful excuse but you always milk it for what it's worth, and it is annoying to see people soooo attached to your ass just because of that. What an awful way to keep dragging out your fifteen minutes of fame. This is just really bugging me. I feel like a horrible person for thinking this... like REALLY awful, and my reason for feeling guilty is everyone else's reason for being nice. But it gets on my nerves and "I'm just saying everything I think"!

ANYHOW. I have picked out the tattoos that I want. That brings the total to 7 I believe.

 This week in great detail.
Not much happened this week at all. It mostly consisted of me waiting for next week. So I doubt that I can even remember a lot of it. I'm going to have to look in my journal to see if those days were even interesting enough for me to write anything about.
-Monday- My mom invited my cousin Hannah to come over, which happens often when it is sunny. So that she can swim, in our pool, when she has her own pool. I get really mad when my mom wakes me up to go to my grandma's when it storms, but... I really am hoping that it storms every day for the rest of the summer just for this reason. So, that day I: got really annoyed, hid all of our food so that my cousin would not eat it all (literally), picked blackberries, swam for like five minutes because that's about as much as I could take.
-Tuesday- Can't remember. I had to choose between watching The Bad Girls Club and Teen Mom, so that was about the most conflict I had all week.
-Wednesday- I don't remember Wednesday. I think the cardinal flew the coop, if you know what I mean. What I mean is that I started my period.
-Thursday- I don't remember Thursday either. Except that I got woken up by my mom with full force to go to my grandma's due to storms that may or may not have even happened.
-Friday- I went to Bingo and I didn't win anything.
-Saturday- I went to Bingo and I didn't win anything. Oh, and I found Lily- I don't even know where she had been, the sneak.
-Sunday- I stayed in my room literally ALL day. I crocheted and read, watched some movie on Lifetime about an Amish school shooting.
So that's my week "in great detail"- or as much detail as I can remember.

Someone you wish could forgive you.
I really can't think of anything. This always sounds really arrogant but I can't think of anything that I should apologize for. If I need to do it, I do it, and I always get forgiven. So there's nothing that comes to mind. I suppose that's better than if I were able to type out a real answer, though.

Day twelve

What's in my bag.
In one of the front pockets is this: 14 gum wrappers, one free sausage biscuit coupon for Burger King, two Twilight game pieces for Burger King, two bobby pins.

In the other front pocket is this: Pack of Cepacol sore throat/cough drops, Gatti's buffet punch card (I get a free buffet next time I go!), a Germ-X wipe, movie stubs for Grown Ups, Despicable Me, Toy Story 3, and Dinner for Schmucks. A box that had Palladio rice paper face blotting tissues, an old used rice paper face blotting tissue (ew), yet another Twilight BK game piece, one bobby pin, fourteen cents, and a fortune cookie fortune that says "Your wisdom will find a way."

In the inside pocket is this: Strawberry jumbo Push Pop and a mini bottle of Gold Bond Ultimate Healing lotion.

I have a little black zippered pouch that I keep my feminine things in, among... other things.

My wallet: It is zebra striped, with two keys (for my front door and the dead bolt), a Sally's beauty club card, Speedy rewards card, heart keychain, blue clip Class of 2009 keychain, beanie froggie that Andi Sue bought me, a TUK keychain, a keychain that has half a heart with a girl on it (Josh has the other half), and an Old Navy flip-flop keychain.
Inside my wallet (this is going to take a while, but the 30 Days thing said "great detail"): 
- In an outside zippered pocket, there are movie ticket stubs for: Oceans, Bruno, Saw VI, Shutter Island, Date Night, Kick Ass, Alice in Wonderland, Nightmare on Elm Street, and Death at a Funeral. There are tons of fortune cookie fortunes that say these things: "You are going to take a vacation", "Guard yourself against evil temptations", "A closed mind is like a closed book; just like a block of wood", "A pleasant surprise is in store for you", "Luck is coming for you", "All the news you receive will be positive and uplifting", "Your ingenuity and imagination will get results", "The only good is knowledge and the only evil ignorance", "Cooperate with those who have both know-how and integrity", "A smooth long journey! Great expectations", "You will become more and more wealthy", and "No job is so simple that it cannot be done wrong".
-There's a pencil on the inside, my driver's license, a library card, my debit card, Sally's beauty card, two bobby pins, Speedy Rewards receipt, and three pictures of my cousins Samantha and David. Six dollars, several receipts, and a few coupons.
-Rewards cards: Two for McDonald's McCafe, Hot Topic, A GattiTown card that still has like $10 on it and I have to use it within a year, ASPCA member card, Blizzard of the Month Club card, Wal-Mart card that has like $1 on it, Maurice's, and a Product Replacement plan card.
And then I have $5.03 in change.

Back to my purse!  Product Replacement plan pamphlet thing, baggie with more money in it, a mini brush, a random pink plastic rosary, empty Tylenol bottle, Wal-Mart receipt, We're Rolling Pretzel Company coupon, unchewed piece of Stride gum which I just put into my mouth, k now there's a gum wrapper in there, Nectarine Mint bath and body works hand sanitizer, more hand sanitizer- Japanese Cherry Blossom, empty pack of Orbit Mist gum, Stride gum pack with five pieces of gum inside which I forgot about FREAKIN' SWEET, more bobby pins and gum wrappers, 53 more cents, and a random purple yarn bracelet with a cat charm.

DONE.

The person who hurt me the most-
I'm not doing the "who I hate" thing, because I don't really hate anyone.
I'm not even going to go over the person who hurt me the most because I think we all know it's Josh.

Day eleven

Since I've already described "my siblings", there's only one of these to do today.

Someone deceased I wish I could talk to.
This one is really easy if I don't think about it. The first person who popped into my mind is my uncle Dick. I would ask questions- I would ask how aunt Max, aunt Ruby, etc. etc. are. I'd want to know how everyone else is doing that I never got to meet just so I could pass on the news to my family. I would have to assume that the afterlife is real, but I would ask what it's like and if anyone has actually been right about it this entire time. I'd apologize for everyone else. The way so many people acted while he was in the hospital and at his funeral home. I would apologize for how my family fought, and I would apologize for his son not showing up at his funeral. I would apologize for not saying more to him the day that I went to visit him in the hospital. I couldn't think of anything to say. I just kept repeating in my head, "don't talk about his condition, don't talk about his condition"- I was afraid to even ask how he was doing. The most I said I think was "you're welcome" when he thanked me for coming to see him. What a jerk thing to say. I also wish that I had told him he was my favorite great uncle. I never told him that. A lot of things can go unsaid and still be known but I'm almost positive he had no idea. He wasn't even blood-relation but he definitely was my favorite. We always think that there's "some other time" but there isn't- not always. By the time we realize we're too late, we're already beating ourselves up about it.

Anyhow, I had a dream about him a few days after he passed away. I dreamed that I was in a room with a bunch of people and I couldn't see most of their faces but I assumed they were my family. There was a round table, and the only two people whose faces I could see were Dick and my papaw. They were laughing, talking, joking, like normal. They were playing cards and I assumed Dick was smoking because there was smoke all around him (he died of lung cancer). I looked at my Dad and said, "He looks so much better". I suppose Dick overheard. He looked up and said, "I'm okay". The dream was creepy but comforting.

Day ten

What I wore today.
I got woken up by my mother this morning at 9:30 am, freaking out about storms as she tends to do. I just got out of bed and went to my grandma's as I was. I was wearing grey pajama pants with different colored cats all over them, and a periwinkle blue t-shirt that is way too large for me and says "Peace, Love, Cats". After I showered, I put on black Danskin sweatpants that have white stripes down the sides, a golden yellow button-down tank top and a white Relay For Life t-shirt.

Someone I don't talk to as much as I would like.
Everyone. Plain and simple. Everyone that I used to talk to that I don't anymore. It doesn't suck so much knowing that I've made the effort with a lot of them and it doesn't help. When it's inevitable I tend to accept it more. There's not one particular person I want to be close with again, it's just everyone. I talk to people more often now than I used to I suppose and that is good, but my boyfriend is still the only one that I am really close with.

Day nine

My beliefs, in great detail
Well, this one is going to be a bit difficult as I don't entirely know.
I do believe in a greater power- but I don't believe in the Christian vision of God. When I think of a God, I don't think of something that has the power to smite people, or set people on fire and send them to Hell. I just think of a God that sort of... lets things be. When it's religion vs. science, and there is a scientific explanation, I will believe science pretty much 100% of the time. I don't really believe in the whole Genesis God-created-everything-in-seven-days theory. I believe in the Big Bang Theory, but I believe that probably something greater triggered it. I believe in evolution (though it bugs me to death when people try to use "I didn't evolve from no ape!" as an argument to try and disprove it... KILLS me. Darwin did not say that, sheesh).

I am not religious whatsoever, but I think religion is very interesting. I'm pretty spiritual, though. I always have been, I just never really thought about it. Pretty much everyone in Kentucky is at least a little bit Cherokee (or some other branch of Native American), but I am quite a lot... I kind of think that may be why I've always been so into nature and felt really at home in it. Being in nature makes me feel spiritual, which I guess is either really weird or really understandable. I'm not sure what other people think about it. To me, nature and God are similar. I still don't know how to explain that but I know what I mean.

I don't really like to talk about my beliefs just because I think it's okay to be proud of what you believe in, but most of the time discussions of beliefs/religion turn into, "No you can't believe that, that's wrong", or "I'm right because my Bible says so". I don't think there's a good reason that you can't just be confident in your own beliefs and not worry about trying to save someone else's soul.

I'm still really torn about my beliefs as far as the after life is concerned. It's confusing to me because each person has such a different personality and so much energy that it's weird to me that it could just go away all at once. It's hard to imagine what death is like- I suppose it's like nothing, but then nothingness is really hard to imagine. I don't believe in Satan though... so I don't believe in Hell- at least not the whole "lake of fire" thing. IF the after life is truth, here is what I picture it as: Heaven doesn't literally have streets paved with gold, Hell isn't just a bunch of hot. I guess I feel like you'll just be repaid for the good (or bad) things you've done- and those things don't necessarily involve going to church, reading your Bible, staying abstinent and what have you. Or maybe that's what karma is for. If I ever see a ghost, well, I suppose I'll ask. In the meantime, I'm going to not worry about it. I feel like you should spend your time on earth enjoying life instead of worrying about what will happen to you when life ends.

I really like a quote by Oprah that I keep hearing over and over (probably this isn't verbatim): "There are many paths to God".

Someone I wish I could meet.
I've always heard that there is someone in the world who looks exactly like you. I have also always wanted to meet that person if she exists. I want to know if we have had similar lives, if we have similar opinions on things. If we're alike at all.

Day eight

A moment, in great detail.
This moment isn't just one specific moment that happened one day, but it's a specific moment that happens a lot of the time. It's when I'm taking a walk, just listening to music that reminds me of good times (or bad times). I know it sounds really corny and stupid but I feel like I'm one with nature. It's really calming and relaxing for me but it's also really exciting. It's somewhere I can go when I want to be happy, or when I want to be sad or angry. No one else goes up there except for when my grandpa mows the grass so that it won't grow up and I can keep walking there. That makes it feel really intimate. I can look to my right and see blue mountains, houses, trees, so many fields and hills. I look to my left and see wild flowers, fence posts, an old abandoned house. Butterflies of all colors fly around me and, a lot of the time, land on me. More often than not there are two chasing one another. I see mice running around up there, I see baby rabbits hopping around with their momma, I even saw a turkey once. Every time I see a bird, I smile. I can see a grocery store, my house, other houses, but when I'm walking by myself, listening to music, and really paying attention to nature I feel really secluded. It's one of the few times that I don't care.

My favorite internet friend
Her name is Joanne, and I met her on a message board about seven or eight years ago. She lives in England and is around my mom's age (which may be a little weird). She definitely does not act her age, though. She has a daughter named Hayley who is about 18- I get along with her really well, also. Joanne is someone that I can talk to but she's really kind of a mother figure (which also may be a little weird just because I already have a mom). I'm just always reminded that she's looking out for me. Her boyfriend lives in "the states" as she calls them, but I can't remember where exactly- Missouri, I think. I'm not quite as close to her as I was at one time, but I still love her to death!

Day Seven

First, here is what I did today.
Nothing much. Except I got annoyed a lot and then I picked some blackberries.

Today, I am supposed to describe my ex-boyfriend which is going to be awkward and then I am going to describe my best friend. I have described him at least three times within these two 30-day challenges, but Raeann's post on Cody inspired me to do one just with things that other people may not know.

I'll describe my best friend first. His name is Joshua Thomas Kurtz, he was born on April 11, 1991 and I believe he was born in Richmond. He is quite a bit German but I don't think he could speak German to save his life. His favorite food is Mexican food. I never would've taken him for an anime fan- on our second date, there was a guy reading a book in the theater and I said "WHO brings a book to the movies?!" and he goes "I bet it's manga". Anyway, he has a whole case of Dragon Ball Z VHS tapes, plays Dragon Ball Z on his X Box and has many Dragon Ball Z DVDs. Also, I was using his computer once and the only tab that was up proved that he was watching Naruto. His dad lives in Virginia. He (Josh, not his dad) has lived in three different houses since we've been dating and each time he moves farther away from me. I asked him once if I were a man would he still love me. He said no. He has a Bible app on his iPhone. I wrote an essay for him once and he only freaking got a B. He has a retarded cat named Riot, she thinks that she can fly. I've seen it. When I go to his house, I always have to wash his bedroom mirror. He spends most of his time working but he likes to make rap beats on his computer. He wants to be a record producer. He never watches television and for some reason, that bugs me to death because I'll talk to him about TV and he never has any idea what I'm talking about. I've never met his grandparents and I've only met his dad once. He has the worst road rage of anyone I have ever seen. He is very accident prone. In 7th grade, he got hit by a car and broke his hip. At Battle of the Bands one year, he slipped on stage and broke his butt... pfft, "I fractured my tailbone"- No Joshua, you broke your butt. That's why he stopped wearing shoes when he played shows. He has no brothers or sisters, and he makes really good microwave quesadillas.

K, my ex boyfriend I guess. First of all, let me just say that as stupid as I acted a few years ago, I don't really even consider him a real ex boyfriend because we dated for two weeks. But, he is the only one I have. I don't like thinking about dating him because it is really weird to me for some reason that we dated or that I even liked him. I'm not going to describe any of that, I'm just going to describe him as a person. His name is Jesse Haze James, and he is eight days older than me. He makes fun of me for being short and he is about two inches taller than me so I suppose he thinks he is entitled to do that. One of these days, I am going to break into his dad's garage and steal THE guitar that was made for me. It is a seafoam green Eddie Van Halen custom. Don't tell me that it isn't automatically mine. His mother passed away a long time ago, and he has one half brother named Preston. He has a dog named Peanut. He recently moved back home with his Dad so he lives close to me again. I would never say that he has awful taste in music but someone exactly like me might say that. He also has weird taste in TV. He is good at the bass. I suppose he still plays the synthesizer but I've never heard him do that. I suppose his favorite food is still noodles of some sort. He loves video games. He makes fun of me for the ditzy things I say. I've been friends with him for around seven-eight years.

Day six

Okay, I'm supposed to describe what I did today in great detail and I'm supposed to describe a stranger. I can describe the stranger while I'm describing my day :)

I woke up because Josh texted me at like 12:30 PM. I just decided to wake up right then. I got ready and whatnot and Josh came over at about 3. We ate dinner because my grandparents decided to spend $300 on steaks, shrimp, and crab legs for some reason. Then we left, and we went to Wal-Mart. I looked at the flip-flops, we looked at TVs, games, and in the huge bin of $5 DVDs. Where I helped a STRANGER (!) look for Barbie DVDs for her little girl. I really don't remember what she looked like because I was looking for Barbie DVDs... but it was nice that she looked so hard to try to find a DVD that her daughter didn't have. It was cute. I thought about buying like 5 different $9 and $13 movies, but I decided against it. I buy movies and then never watch them, so I looked at books instead. No Stephen King. I bought "Dawn of the Dreadfuls" which is the prequel to "Pride And Prejudice And Zombies". I also bought "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter"... I bought a $5 movie or Josh, I bought 10 blank DVDs. I bought a diet Coke for myself and a Mountain Dew for Josh, as well as a blue raspberry push pop, a strawberry push pop, and a blue raspberry ring pop.

We headed to the movie theater and watched Dinner With Schmucks and it was absolutely hilarious. I highly recommend it. After the movie he took me to Bingo to wait for my parents, my grandma, and my aunt to finish playing.

Day five

I'm really enjoying doing these 30 days things but I've kind of been neglecting to actually write about the goings-on in my life.

Last night, I went to the show and The Colour Out of Space bailed so that sucked. I really wanted to see them- It's been almost three years! But The Fallen did well, and I didn't get to stay for Alegionnaire or AKB which kind of bummed me out. I just enjoyed hanging out with Zach. I learned that he has been upset about a lot of the same things that I have been- growing apart from people and just being nostalgic. Apparently Jesse is being that way also. I don't like that they feel this way, but it's good to know that I'm not alone and that I'm not just being pathetic and sad.

But RAEANN. Did you know...
That we took part in the downfall of Somerset's music scene!? Because we used to go to shows... and then we didn't. Everyone who did that is totally to blame. NOT the fact that the majority of all of the good, "old" bands completely quit. But us. Not us, in particular. But the normal show-goers who quit going. Apparently that's the normal way of thinking for most bands. We killed the scene. Zach and I were talking about this- I mean, we all can't help that we used to all feel like a community/family. We actually went to listen to the music AND to hang out at the same time. The bands we were used to quit (not that we didn't give the newer bands a chance)... but shows turned into something that people went to because it was cool, no one even listened to music! They went behind the flea market and fucking smoked pot and had sex. "The scene" was dead long before Wiseguys even thought of shutting down.

It just felt so weird going to the show yesterday and not knowing 3/4 of the people, and 3/4 of the people not knowing me. It's like Billy said: "You just don't know us because you didn't even go to 'the good shows'".


Anyway, that's my bit of ranting. Wait, wait, wait... I take that back, I feel there is more to come.
I didn't get to go to the show tonight because my great-aunt was having her 75th birthday party and family is more important. My grandpa hasn't felt well for a long time- he's lost crap tons of weight. Which, his doctor told him he needed to but he's lost 70+ pounds without even trying, which worries me a bit. My mom fixes dinner for him a lot because he will eat more when she fixes it for some reason- which is oddly cute and sentimental-ish. I felt really worried about him today all because of fried green tomatoes. He didn't seem like himself today, period. He normally is joking and laughing and talking ALL the time. Today he didn't talk at all. He asked me to order for him because he couldn't see the menu, but he ended up doing it, and then couldn't even remember what he ordered so he took someone else's appetizer...haha. He said he ordered it, and then I said, "Are you sure?" and he goes, "No, I don't think I did. I can't remember".


Ugh, my family, though. His brothers and sisters were there (which it was his sister having the birthday party)- and they barely even acknowledged him. They don't want to talk to him because they are afraid he will ask them to do a favor. Which he would. But it still makes me sick. His sons and other daughter are the same way. It's awful. A couple of my cousins also are the same way. As is my grandma's brother. It really hurts me to see them deal with it day-to-day, because they don't even hold grudges against these assholes. BUT they sit around depressed all the time. My grandma tells me every day that I will: get sick of my job eventually no matter how I love it for a little while, I will hate my life, I will resent my husband, and once I have children I will wish I hadn't had them. Basically I will just be miserable. She says she doesn't care if she dies and that she sometimes wishes she had never been born. It really worries me. I know it's all because of the way she has been treated. They are not in the best of health obviously and my parents are the only people who offer to help them out. I hate my family for what they've done to my grandparents. They are taking part in killing them and they either just don't pay enough attention to notice or they simply don't care. My uncle won't even talk to them. Period. HE IS OUR NEIGHBOR. He lives two houses up the Goddamn road. I can tell myself that these people are the ones that will have to live with it but they will not and do not care. They will never be a part of my life.


ANYWAY. I think I've figured out a lot of my beliefs. I'm not religious at all but I'm really interested in religion (all religions). I'm kind of spiritual though. It's really weird and hard to explain. I believe in a higher power. What I mostly believe in, though, is nature. I don't know. I can't explain it but I know what I mean.

Alrighty, onward ho!


Describe your definition of love in great detail
This is a really hard thing to describe. I can't describe what love is but I can describe how it makes me feel. It makes me feel selfless. There are people who will naturally put themselves last and think of others first, but I've never been that way. I feel like I should take care of myself if I'm going to take care of anyone else. But Josh is the one person that I care about more than myself (well, other than my family but I'm not in love with my family). I put him first, even when he doesn't put me first. I care about him way more than I care about myself. When I'm with him, wherever we are, I feel at home. When I'm not with him, I feel homesick. Before him, I always assumed I would die young because I couldn't see myself getting older- it was almost like I didn't have a future. I can now imagine myself growing old, but he's always there. No matter how many times he's hurt me, I know I couldn't hurt him. I can't see him in pain, it crushes me. I don't know how to describe it. I wish I did, though. It's awful not being able to tell him exactly how I feel about him.

Describe your dreams 
My dream is to be successful. That, to me, means being happy in whatever I am doing. I just want to keep true to myself. I hope to have a job that I love (which, I'll get to help animals every day so that is my dream!), I hope to travel, I hope to love and be loved. My dream is to accomplish everything that I've ever wanted- so that the day that I die, I can be satisfied with my life and not feel like I've left something undone. 

Day four

Day four #1: Describe your siblings in great detail.

I don't have any siblings. My mom did get pregnant before me, but she miscarried when she was about seven weeks along. It was too young to be able to determine its gender, but I'd like to think that I almost had a big brother. I guess he would have been about 21 or 22 now. Then again, Mom said she would've stopped at one so there are those odds against me again! Growing up, I had a friend who was pretty much like a sister to me so I never really wanted a brother or sister. But once I got older, I started wishing I had an older brother that was pretty close to me in age. I feel like we would have gotten along really well. I would have really like to have met him or her.

Day four #2: Describe the food you ate today in great detail.

This is easy for me to do since I normally keep track of it in my planner anyway.

My mom made meatloaf, so I ate that pretty much smothered in ketchup. I ate two tablespoons of corn, two tablespoons of mashed potatoes and two tablespoons of green beans.

By the time I left the show, I was starving, but I didn't want fast food. So when I got home I ate a box of Cocoa Krispies from those variety packs of cereal. One box is equal to like half a bowl, but it's one serving, and I like to eat my cereal almost dry so I just put a little bit of milk in it.

That wasn't interesting.

K, well, my mom is begging me for my computer so I suppose I have to make this quick. It's really annoying to have to schedule time with her for MY computer. MINE. FOREVER.

Both of the 30 day "assignments" for today are to describe my parents in great detail.
I suppose I'll describe them as my parents and then describe them individually as people.

My parents. Oh, lord. They are just about the strictest parents that I've ever even heard of. We don't get along very often. THEY don't get along very often. They fight at least once a day- BUT it's always my mom's fault. She says it isn't, but it definitely is. I suppose she has a lot of things to be frustrated about, but none of those things involve us so it's just really stupid that we get the brunt of it. She picks fights with my dad, she picks fights with me. If I do anything other than sit there and take her yap (which I am NOT going to do), I get yelled at by my Dad, which ends in me yelling at my Dad. He just takes her side so that he won't get yelled at, which is really stupid because she is going to yell at him about something later anyway. I really need to not live here for very much longer.

Anyway, they knew each other way before they started dating. When they were little, my mom and aunt used to go to my dad's house because their parents were (sort of) friends. They met later in a night club in their 20s. My mom was actually dating someone at the time. He was a soldier but was stationed somewhere else. She says he would never write back to her letters and when he would come to visit, she would always be the last stop he made and he would never stay for long. So she left his ass for my amazing Daddy :) haha.

My dad- My dad is a really good guy. I haven't met anyone who doesn't like my Dad. He is quite sensitive and cries every time we watch Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. He is funny and only gets on my nerves when my mom is around. We are a whole lot alike. I'm lucky he isn't a deadbeat- that seems to be a rare find around these parts. Good on ya, dad!

K. About him. He was born in Somerset on December 31, 1961 and also lived in Cincinnati when he was really little. He has really great parents, and an older sister named Pam (who is my favorite aunt!). When he was 4, he was climbing on a tractor trailer and the gates weren't locked so he fell backwards. The gates landed on his legs and broke them. He spent several months in the hospital and then had to learn to walk again. Also, when he was five, his cousin accidentally chopped off his middle finger with an axe. So that is why he is missing half of one. We definitely have the same kinda luck. Hah. Like I said, he always had a super amount of friends, and he was really popular in high school. He was captain of the basketball team and was voted Best Looking in his class. And oddly enough, Mrs. Parkey was a teacher at his school and she told me once that they would talk in the hallways because they hated the same teachers hahaha. After he graduated, he and some friends moved to Texas for a little bit, but he moved back here. When I was little, I remember that he would get in the floor and color with me, he taught me how to ride a bike and he taught me to play basketball. I would always wear his boots around the house and I wanted to go everywhere with him. I remember specifically that he would fix me a sippy cup of coffee in the morning before I went to school, he never had the TV on the right cartoons and he sucked at fixing ponytails. He stopped smoking cold-turkey about 15 years ago and I'm super proud of him. He has had a full-time job for as long as I can remember. He always tries to do as much for me as he can and gets really upset when he can't afford something for me, though I assure him that it is completely okay. He is about the greatest dad I think I ever could've been fixed up with. Except for the time he told me that when he was a teenager he used to run over cats for fun. Dickhole. I didn't talk to him for two weeks. But here comes karma. Giving me twenty six cats, and he has to pay for cat food. For all of them. So there.

My mom- I have a lot to say about my mom. There is some good in her. When she is nice to me, she is really nice to me. But, she likes to start arguments with me out of thin air so her niceties really don't last for long at all. She has had a pretty rough life. She is one of four children, and she is also ONE of FOUR children who will do anything at all for her parents. Actually, my aunt and uncles (and several cousins) kind of make me sick. So she's had a lot to deal with. None of that: my fault. She lies, she talks behind everyone's back. The way that people have treated her is inexcusable BUT I can't say I don't understand why she doesn't have many friends. She likes to tell lies about me especially. And they're really lame and unnecessary ones, too. Like if we're late somewhere she'll tell them that I took too long to get ready, whereas I had actually been sitting on the couch waiting for her for 15+ minutes. She really likes to show off in front of her friends and crack jokes about me, so that's not good. I've been told by her that she's ashamed of me one too many times. She has told me she's proud of me maybe a total of three times. When my friends are around, she'll act all nice and make me look like an asshole for saying she's mean. Until she's been around them for a bit. Then she proves me right. She yells at me for things that they do- and when they even tell her it was them, she says something like "No, it was probably Tarah, actually". You've witnessed that Raeann! She's OCD and it bothers me really badly. I think she thinks I'm a little bit retarded. She is bipolar I am pretty sure. I thought she was just going through menopause, but turns out that she's been going through that since she was 37, and she is 49 now. The thing that bugs me REALLY badly about her is that on Facebook, she will join "I love my daughter!" groups, and post about how she loves spending time with her beautiful daughter! And how she has the best daughter in the world! The reality of it? I'll try to tell her about my day, and she will tell me to be quiet because she is watching television. I'll try to tell her about my day, and she will walk out of the room like she doesn't even hear me. Every thing I tell her goes in one ear and out the other. I just know we are going to have one of those relationships where I move away from home, and I'm never going to answer her phone calls. I love my mom, but I really, really can't stand her.

ANYHOW. She was born in Somerset on February 17, 1961, and has lived in Jabez all of her life. She has a twin sister named Lanna, an older brother named Kenny, and a younger brother named Kevin. Her parents are also amazing but worked her and her brothers and sister really hard. They always had to work in tobacco and things like that. I mean, they had to get up at like 4 in the morning and work for three hours before they ever even went to school. She was cooking full-on meals by the time she was, like, 8. They never had a whole lot of money, but my grandpa was a carpenter so he pretty much built their entire house. He also was a mechanic and a school-bus driver. They were all really religious growing up, and my mom and my aunt made a Gospel album when they were four. My mom has always played the piano (really super well), she's never had lessons, and she sings a lot. In high school, she got into all kindsa trouble but won't admit it. She had a real creepy math teacher that randomly came to their house all the time and followed them to Indiana once. She was voted Best Dressed in high school, and was really super pretty. She got married to my dad when she was 26, had a miscarriage before me, and had me when she was 29. A specialist told her that because she had Shingles, she would miscarry with me and that if she didn't, I would be a walking birth defect. He tried to get her to schedule an abortion but she wouldn't so I had that going for me. I guess there was like a .02% chance that I wouldn't be retarded. Who knew. And then she drank bleach when she was little so she almost died then. There were a lot of odds against me. She always gets sad that she never got to watch me take my first step. I don't have a lot of memories of her when I was little because she worked all the time so I stayed with my grandparents. She's always worked until she got laid off recently. So she is a really really hard worker, I just wish that she would get her priorities right sometimes.

So the two "30 day" assignments for today are to describe my first love in great detail and to describe my crush. I don't have a crush on him, I am in love with him. I described him as my best friend yesterday, but I suppose now I will describe our relationship.

Like I said on yesterday's post, I've known him since 8th grade. I never ever thought that we would get to where we are. We were never friends before we started dating, and barely even acquaintances, up until about a month or so. But Raeann, you know how adorable I thought he was. :) I would see him walk through the halls and I thought he was the cutest thing I'd ever seen in my entire life. 

I don't typically believe in fate, but there are a lot of things that could have kept us from being together. I had him as a friend on Myspace for a while, and he deleted that one and made a new one. I thought, "I'm not going to add his new one, I never talk to him anyway", but I felt this ridiculous urge to add him anyway. I made a blog once, venting and whining about something that seems stupid and inferior now, and he felt like he would "be there for me". It's really weird now that I think about it, because we were both talking to one another about people that we liked (who weren't each other) and trying to comfort one another, hahaha. SO WEIRD.

Anyhow, I made him laugh a lot then but not now. Go figure. Guess I'm not as funny after a while, hah. He ended up liking me (albeit I'm guessing I wasn't the only one) and he eventually asked me out on MSN. I was really excited, but I had no idea what I was in for. I thought he would be totally loyal and he was not like that at all at first. He pretty much was looking for a girlfriend for the entire first six months we were dating. He would flirt with them right in front of me, talk about them, it was ridiculous. I can't even believe that I took that, but I guess I took it for a reason. He lied to me a lot and I still feel like there are some things that he has lied to me about, but if I were to ask him he would lie about it so there's not even any sense in that.

It's awful for me to think about the past because then I just get mad at him, haha.

So that's why I try to focus on the future. It is like he is two totally different people. Honestly. He is amazing. I am the only one that he has eyes for and I really truly believe it. I don't ever worry about him cheating on me, I trust him completely. I know that he loves me and I know that he will be here forever.

Yesterday actually made two years and five months that we have been together. It seems like we have been together way longer than that, but it also feels like we haven't been together nearly as long.

Our first date was at a show that he was playing. I was his first kiss and we made out pretty much the entire night in his car. But he kissed me first which was totally unexpected. The next day we saw Juno in the theater and my parents met him. I met his mom a couple of months later when my parents (very surprisingly) let me go to his house. I was the first girl that he ever had over, and his mom absolutely adores me. She calls me her daughter-in-law, haha. That's what she introduces me to people as. I love every member of his family that I have ever met.

He's broken up with me once, I've almost broken up with him once, and it seems now that that couldn't have possibly happened. We don't have much in common including personality traits but I think it keeps things interesting. We are in love and that really about sums it up, as does "Wouldn't It Be Nice If We Were Older" by the Beach Boys. :)

Day 1- Introduce Yourself
Day 1 #2- Describe your best friend in great detail.

Hi :) My name is Tarah Kay Gaines. You should have known that. This entire thing is a friendship test and you have failed already. Anyway, once again, the only person who reads this (I think) knows me quite well. Or I think that she does. Maybe you'll learn something you didn't know.

I was born in Somerset, Kentucky; I lived in Faubush until I was six months old and then I moved to Jabez because my grandparents begged my mom to move beside them when my grandpa got sick at one point. I've lived here ever since. Most people who drive through it don't like it very much, but I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. I complain about it a lot, but it is my home. The nature is beautiful no matter how lame the people are. And they are LAME. Some of the most spiteful people that I have ever known live here. But it isn't hard not to associate with them.

I've always loved attention when it is given to me, but I don't like to seek it. I look to people way too often for confirmation and I can't figure out why, I don't even like most of those people. And really, if they don't like something about me, I'm not going to change it anyway.

My brain does not have a censor button. If I think it, I say it. It's not something that I always like, but it happens. I don't call it "being outspoken", because it isn't something that I can help. More often than not, I end up wishing that I "hadn't said that". I think most people believe that I do it on purpose.

I feel like the person that others see or used to see or have seen is a totally different person than who I am. Or maybe I just hope that others see me the way that I want to be. I don't know which is which.

I really like doing creative things and I always have. I'm not scared of change but I am scared of a lack of stability. I love animals more than most people I've met, I would do anything I could to help any of them. I can say that I am the friend I would like to have (minus some exceptions). I wish I still had friends actually. I hate not standing out- and in a world where everyone is always trying to stand out, I don't so much. I don't do anything with my days anymore. They just pass and pass and I lose them. I dream of doing something big and being something great. I don't take crap but I am not mean. Though everyone thinks that I am before they meet me. I can't figure out why. I always hope they'll tell me but they never do. My family always tells me that they wish I were that, or they wish I were not this. I don't think they really understand what that does to a teenage girl's psyche. I have to create dream worlds in my brain so that I don't go into a severe depression. That sounds really teen angsty- I wish it was teen angst.

My favorite color is seafoam green, my favorite food is cocktail shrimp, I love 80s music. I have a LOT of Cherokee blood running through my veins. Traveling is something that I love to do. I can't stand to be in a room with a television that is turned off. I brush my teeth naked and I can't stand to use the bathroom when I am wet. I like reality television and I love talk shows. Reading is something that I have enjoyed doing since I was four. There are a lot of things about me and it will take me forever to think of it all.

So, on to describing my best friend in great detail!

My boyfriend is my best friend. A lot of people find it cute, I find it kind of pitiful. Or I do until I actually think about it. Sometimes I think that it is only because I don't have a lot of friends anymore. But really when I think about it, I believe that even if I had a million friends, he would be my best friend.

I started dating him before we even knew each other very well, and to be honest, I never thought that it would go very far for that reason. It has almost ended a whole lot of times and our problems have pretty much become everyone's business. Sometimes I even feel like I wish I had broken up with him just to prove to everyone that I'm not the pushover that they undoubtedly think that I am now. In hindsight, I should have anyway. Every now and then I get the tiny thought that I want him to hurt like he has hurt me. But realistically I would never want that. Ideally, none of the bad things would have happened but he really has changed for me, and that is what is really flattering. Way more flattering than if he had been like this right from the get-go. Then there would be no proof that, to him, I am worth changing for.

So, onto him!
He has huge earholes and he hates refried beans. I hate when he makes me watch Terminator movies and we don't agree on what song to listen to in the car. I sing to him a lot. I've always been able to make people laugh almost effortlessly but he doesn't think I'm funny. Haha. Every laugh I get out of him is well-earned. His favorite color is green, like mine. He's a huge sap. He's extremely talented. He loves his mom. He loves animals and doesn't mind my crazy cat lady stories. He thinks I'm beautiful. He hates seafood which I will never understand. He is corrupting me and I feel that is totally backwards- I should be corrupting him! Like I said before, we didn't know each other very well before we started dating and he is totally different than I would have thought! He is not sweet and innocent, he is insane and he is a pervert, and I love him very much. He has changed my mind about wanting to be married and wanting children. I feel home sick when I am not with him. He is going to Morehead with me- just dropping everything and going with me. He supports everything that I do, and likewise. He watches Tyra with me and I know he doesn't like it. I used to write stupid retarded notes in eighth grade and I figured he would think I was insane but it made him have a crush on me. I wish he would stop wearing hats so much, he has really great hair. Either his grandpa or great-grandpa moved to America from Germany during the Holocaust. I could write about him forever.

 I'm going to do two "30 days" things in 30 days! This is the only time I've ever done 60 things thirty days in my entire life. The internet makes me feel accomplished.
Sometimes, there will only be one entry because some of the days are repetitive.
I really wish that I had a camera that isn't a piece of crap. This would be way more interesting with pictures.

30 Days:
Day 01 – Introduce yourself
Day 02 – Your first love, in great detail
Day 03 – Your parents, in great detail
Day 04 – What you ate today, in great detail
Day 05 – Your definition of love, in great detail
Day 06 – Your day, in great detail
Day 07 – Your best friend, in great detail
Day 08 – A moment, in great detail
Day 09 – Your beliefs, in great detail
Day 10 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 11 – Your siblings, in great detail
Day 12 – What’s in your bag, in great detail
Day 13 – This week, in great detail
Day 14 – What you wore today, in great detail
Day 15 – Your dreams, in great detail
Day 16 – Your first kiss, in great detail
Day 17 – Your favorite memory, in great detail
Day 18 – Your favorite birthday, in great detail
Day 19 – Something you regret, in great detail
Day 20 – This month, in great detail
Day 21 – Another moment, in great detail
Day 22 – Something that upsets you, in great detail
Day 23 – Something that makes you feel better, in great detail
Day 24 – Something that makes you cry, in great detail
Day 25 – A first, in great detail
Day 26 – Your fears, in great detail
Day 27 – Your favorite place, in great detail
Day 28 – Something that you miss, in great detail
Day 29 – Your aspirations, in great detail
Day 30 – One last moment, in great detail

The Bible has begun to make me mad. I can't just read it and comprehend it like I would any other book. I read it and I find myself going "I don't like that". So I've stopped for the time being. (I'm doing it wrong!) For now, I'm quite content in not knowing what I believe in. I'm not trying to become a Christian. I would actually also like to read the Bible equivalents of other religions. Religion divides more than it should but the ideas/theories are interesting.

Anyhow. I found some things on little Nicole's tumblr that I think are interesting. (Why do people have so many different blogging blogs nowadays!? Remember when we all just had Xanga?)

So here is this.

If I were a month, I’d be June.
If I were a day of the week, I’d be Wednesday- it's not significant but you can't have a week without it.
If I were a time of day, I’d be 2 AM.
If I were a planet, I’d be Mars. Everyone would want to probe me. Just kidding.
If I were a sea animal, I’d be a dolphin. I'm friendly, but I'd eat a shark when it comes down to it. 
If I were a direction, I’d be south.
If I were a piece of furniture, I’d be a worn-out couch.
If I were a liquid, I’d be lemonade.
If I were a gemstone, I’d be an emerald.
If I were a tree, I’d be a weeping willow.
If I were a tool, I’d be on Tool Academy.
If I were a flower, I’d be a sunflower.
If I were a kind of weather, I’d be heat.
If I were a musical instrument, I’d be an electric cello.
If I were a color, I’d be screamin' green.
If I were an emotion, I’d be thrill.
If I were a fruit, I’d be a blackberry.
If I were a sound, I’d be an Eddie Van Halen riff.
If I were an element, I’d be fire.
If I were a vehicle, I’d be a Hummer plastered in Rainforest Alliance stickers. I'm mostly a walking contradiction.
If I were a food, I’d be something tangy.
If I were a place, I’d be nowhere that you'd go on vacation but somewhere you might want to call home.
If I were a material, I’d be flannel (I'm no lesbian!).
If I were a taste, I’d be something tangy, once again.
If I were a scent, I’d be something breezy... I don't know how to describe it. But the kind of scent that blue-colored candles always have to them.  
If I were an object, I’d be a journal.
If I were a body part, I’d be a mouth.
If I were a facial expression, I’d be a smirk.
If I were a song, I’d be 80s new wave.
If I were a pair of shoes, I’d be the pair of shoes at the back of your closet that you rediscover after years and fall back in love with.

Also, I believe I am going to do this: starting tomorrow. I'm not sure if it means to use pictures but I don't have a worthy camera so I doubt that I am going to do that. But I will write little entries (or add entries to my already-entries). Yes, even to my reflection. I'm better with words than photography anyway.

30 Day Challenge
Day 1 — Your best friend
Day 2 — Your crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 —Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but are too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

I went to the fair tonight with Josh, Raeann, and Cody. Raeann, thank you so much for a) going with me and giving me a riding buddy :) and b) making me the cutest bracelet I've ever seen in my entire life.

It was fun times and I met a dog. I don't think he belonged to anyone but he was so sweet. I really regret not going back and buying him something to eat at one of the stands. I really hope someone can take care of him, or that he belongs to someone and just happened to wander away from home because he liked the excitement.

In other news... I haven't posted in a while and I suppose I should get up-to-date on what's been going on.
My uncle Dick's funeral and burial was last Sunday. I did not do well with it at all. I never do at funerals, but especially this one. Death is something that hasn't always bothered me. I know that we are supposed to accept it as inevitable but it seems like I am moving backwards. I used to accept it as inevitable but now it is something I am terrified of.

Only about twenty people showed up, but he wasn't originally from here so he didn't really know anyone. We were his friends. He was actually technically our in-law, but we didn't consider him that. Everyone was really upset, but he was a great person. His son didn't even show up and I am really angry with him right now because of that. I shouldn't judge him because I am sure that he was having a hard time dealing with it. But if uncle Dick knew that he didn't show up, he would be heartbroken.

In other, other news... I apologized to someone that I really needed to apologize to. It's hard for me to apologize but when I am in the wrong, I WILL do it. I just wish I had done it sooner because she definitely deserved one.

In other news x3... hah... I have been doing something for the past couple of days that may seem really out-of-character for me. I have been reading the Bible. Not only that, but I have been taking notes! Not even joking. Literally taking notes on every chapter. I'm not all religious, or really even spiritual, now. But I am Agnostic, and I actually have been since I was little. I was raised Southern Baptist and I've ALWAYS had my doubts. A lot of things just didn't add up and I never really believed. I have no idea what I believe, actually. So I've decided to read the Bible and figure out what it is that I DO believe. I believe that there is *probably* a God and that is about the extent of it. I'm actually not sure how I feel about that either. I guess it's like a "spiritual journey"... except that sounds really stupid so that's not what I am going to say that it is. I DO know for certain that I am not going to church and I am not going to ask others to "help me" in my beliefs. I feel like it is something that I should figure out on my own.

My great-uncle Dick passed away tonight.
He was in awful shape, he had stage four lung cancer and most likely liver cancer.
When I visited him, he was alert, he just felt bad.
The past couple of days, he hasn't known who anyone is or what was going on.
That could have been due to the morphine, but either way I am just glad I got to visit him at a time that he knew who I was and realized that I care about him.
I haven't lost someone that I was this close to since his wife Max passed away, who actually died of the same thing.
It hasn't fully hit me yet, I think. Because I haven't been around other family members to see how they are reacting.
I just really honestly hope that he was so jacked up on morphine that he didn't realize he was going. That may sound awful, but my grandma witnessed her sister (aunt Max) pass when she did and she was very resistant. She basically screamed that she didn't want to die the entire time that the process was happening.
As much as I may doubt it, I really hope that heaven is real for everyone who wants it to be. I know that all Dick wanted was to be with Max.

P.S.- I won $500 at Bingo tonight but I didn't really care.
P.P.S.- Don't ever watch The Human Centipede, no matter how much you are inclined. It's less like watching a movie and more like being dared to eat maggots. I have the strongest stomach of anyone I know and I haven't eaten today and I am starving. I also feel really awkward when I have to poop now.
That was probably really inappropriate for this post.

“It’s like 8 kinds of suck in a 9 suck bag”

I went to the hospital with my grandparents on Friday to see my uncle. He isn’t looking well and it was tough to see him that way. My grandma said he actually looked better, and the doctor came in while we were there and said he is wheezing less when he breathes. That’s good news but they still have biopsies to do- on his liver and lungs.  His airways are really constricted though, so they may have to go through his bronchial tubes. You can tell his airways are constricted in the way that he talks and breathes. Apparently no one even knows if he has cancer! This is madness.

I really, really hate cancer. No one likes it, but I mean, I REALLY hate cancer. I can’t count the number of family members that it’s taken. That’s why I get so ticked off with my mom for smoking. Not because it’s expensive and something we can’t afford, not because every time I think I smell really good someone tells me I smell like cigarettes, but because she has seen what it does to people and it’s like she doesn’t care if it happens to her. I expect her to go to the doctor any day for something totally irrelevant, like an aching knee or the flu, and learn that she has six months to live. I don’t just worry about it, I literally EXPECT it every day. Even though it sounds horrible, I think my first reaction would be anger. She KNOWS what it does and she doesn’t care.

An older lady actually came up to my mom the other day and asked her for a cigarette. My mom gave her one, the lady PUT ON AN OXYGEN MASK, and proceeded to smoke. I couldn’t even believe it. I guess I just don’t understand why people do this to themselves. They don’t deserve it by any means, but why don’t they know better?

I don’t even want to be a nag but that’s what I do. I nag Josh all the time about his smoking. He’s not been into the habit long enough for it to have taken an extremely serious toll on his body. I think about him dying from lung cancer forty years before I die and I just sit and cry about it.

But, I don’t mean to hang a giant black cloud over everyone’s day.

So, here’s some good news. My kitten’s eye is better. I mean, not BETTER, she’s blind in it- it’s completely glazed over now and gone a weird grey-blue. But the swelling has went down a notable amount. She only has to take her medicine until Wednesday and she should be fine!

Also, I’m taking a vacation and it’s about damn time. It’s with my parents though so I’m not sure how well that will turn out. We’re not doing anything specific- just going to Pigeon Forge, staying in a condo, doing some shopping, checking out Cherokee, North Carolina. I’m excited about NC only because I’ve never been there before. Also, I’m really interested in Native Americans ever since I learned I am one… haha.

Anyhow. I’m going to attempt to do all of my Christmas shopping on Amazon, and doing most of it with Swagbucks so that I don’t have to use real money. I have four potential things I want to get Josh, and one thing I want to get my mom. I have no idea what I’m getting my dad, and other than that, I’m pretty much making everyone a gift. Hopefully I’ll have a job by Christmas so that I can buy my dad something that I’ve been wanting to get him for a while.

That ‘tis all for now!

I have good cat lady news!
My kitten's eye is not out of its socket, apparently it is just infected and Amoxicillin is the solution.
The vet said it probably stuck something in it.
I noticed that it can still close its eye and I don't think it would be able to do that if it were coming out of socket... because I have seen those people on Ripley's Believe it or Not.
It's not going to appreciate getting medicine shoved down its throat twice a day.


I am RELIEVED.

I am going tomorrow to see my uncle Dick in the hospital tomorrow, which is going to be pretty tough.
Apparently he is not doing too well, and I want to see him before he passes away.
He's pretty much given up at living now because his wife (my grandma's sister) died of the same thing about 8 years ago, and he saw how it affected her. So I guess he just thinks there is no hope.
I REALLY hate cancer. I'm not sure where it gets the idea that it can just take the people I love without asking me first.
There has been a really weird mixture of great and awful things happening lately.

So many crazy cat lady problems, so little money!

I just don't have enough money for these kinds of vet bills.

I went outside this morning and sat on the porch swing, waiting for my mom to get finished getting ready so I could go to the park. While I was waiting, my little tan kitten came up on the porch and just looked at me. It's always had the tendency to get "bad eyes". But they started clearing up on their own every couple of days (and it isn't all that tame so it was a pain to catch it without it screaming bloody murder) so I stopped taking the time to clean them. Probably a bad idea. So now I feel extremely guilty. I guess this time its eye didn't clear up properly and a lot of fluid built up behind it or something. Now that its eye has finally opened, I noticed this awful bulge. I picked up the kitten and its eye is, like, out of its eye socket. It's awful.

I'm almost positive that it's lost sight in that eye now. Dad took a picture of it and is going to the vet tomorrow (we have to do vet appointments that way because we don't have a pet carrier)... to see if (maybe, HOPEFULLY) the solution will be as simple as eye drops or an antibiotic. It seems more likely that the problem will have to be surgically corrected. Maybe the eye can be saved, maybe it will have to be removed. Either way, I don't think it is life-threatening unless we wait too long and it becomes infected. I don't know how much this procedure will cost, but even if it isn't that much, I have absolutely no idea how I am going to pay for it.

It takes way too much begging and convincing to even get my parents to go to the vet, there's virtually no way I could get them to pay for surgery. They have this thing... this REALLY annoying thing... where, if I ask them to take a sick cat/kitten to the vet, they say "The vet couldn't do anything for it".

=|

Really? The VETERINARIAN couldn't do anything for the ANIMAL?
Sigh. Bless my parents and their backwoods way of doing things.
We went through this when Sweetpea was sick. I'm still convinced the vet could have done something for her. This kitten isn't sick, it acts as it normally does, but that can't be the most comfortable thing in the world. It's at least still behind its eyelids so it can perhaps sleep.
My dad did see once he got home from work that it is way worse than he thought it was going to be, so I've got that going for me.
This is an awful position to be in! 

Happy birthday, America! Sorry that no one got you anything except pollution. You're lucky I sat this one out! That's right. I'm in the house with my parents, watching fireworks on television because we are too poor to buy them in real life. All for you, America!

Today was alright I guess. I went to the flea market and bought a neon shirt and a book I've already read- fantastic. I then went to the Peddler's Mall and was looking for a specific porcelain blue and white elephant but the people that ran the booth decided nobody wanted their elephant and they shut down. 

Also, my uncle Dick was diagnosed with lung cancer. His wife, my aunt Max, passed away due to the same thing several years ago. He isn't even blood-related to me, but he is my favorite great-uncle. Please think good thoughts for him. He's in the hospital right now and not doing very well at all.

Let's see, what else? I bought Just Dance so that I would have some more options for exercising and I like it a lot. This month's issue of Seventeen came with a 6-week workout plan so I am going to do that and see how it works out. I haven't been to Zumba in a while and probably won't be very often. 

I'm going to go twirl some Sparklers and scare the crap out of my cats with Pop Pops I guess.

First off, look at this. BAHAH.

Secondly, my mom is the most embarrassing person in the entire world.
You can stop treating me like I'm 2. I kind of almost am, except there's a 0 on the end.
I am beating myself in the face for not *going away* to college. SMH.

Now, then.
I've found so many cute things!
...That I can't afford.
Actually, they aren't that expensive individually.
Except the owl ring is freakin' $65.

These are things that I would looove to learn how to make:

These are all from shanalogic.com, so that I don't get copyright infringed!

I guess I'm doing better.
I want to upload pictures soon.
My blog tells me who I am following but also... doesn't.
It tells me I am not following anyone on my reading list, and then when I go to people's blogs it asks me to follow them. But since the list is right there, I'll follow everyone that I was following before. If you get another request from me, that's why.

R.I.P. Sweet Pea :(
I tried everything I could, I wish some of it had worked.
I love you and miss you sitting on my feet, little noggin.

I got my laptop in the mail today. I’ll post a picture of it later, it’s really sweet. It would be nice to care. But I don’t, because I have other things to worry about. This post is going to be long and it is just going to be me being really sad and whiny.

I have this kitten, Sweet Pea, and it is the most adorable thing in the history of ever. I’ve only gotten to know her for five weeks and she’s already going to be taken from me. The other two kittens of the litter passed away- one when it was born and the other a few weeks ago. Sweet Pea has always been so small. I can fit her in the palm of my hand. Sweet Pea is Gizmo’s kitten, and was born two days before Lily’s kittens but she is about half the size.

The kittens are just learning how to climb up and down the steps on the porch, and it took Sweet Pea a bit longer to be able to because of how tiny she is. They love sleeping in my mom’s flower bed beneath her rose bushes. I walked down the steps so I could bring Sweet Pea on the porch because the other kittens were already up there. Sweet Pea is very calm-natured anyway so I didn’t think anything of it that she let me pick her up with no problem. That’s how she’s always been. When I sat her down, though, she couldn’t walk. She struggled so much and would fall over and start meowing relentlessly. It was obvious how frustrated she was. I immediately started crying my eyes out- I knew there was something wrong. My dad was absolutely no help- “I was waiting for this, she’s so small, I’m surprised she’s made it this long”, etc. etc. I started crying even harder.

I was holding her and crying when she started biting at my finger, so I know that meant she was hungry. I fed her milk from a dropper. I know that cow’s milk is a no-no for kittens, but I really had no other choice at the time being. I watered it down and I really just wanted to give her something to give her a little bit of strength. She perked up pretty instantly. Though she still couldn’t walk, she was able to stand up. Later that night I saw her mother nursing her so I thought she wasn’t sick… I’ve seen the way that cats act around other cats when they’re sick. If she were sick, Gizmo wouldn’t have let her nurse or even be around the other kittens.

I slept not a wink last night. I couldn’t. I had a stomach ache, heartburn, I was just really stressed out and upset. My mom woke me up this morning to show me how she was doing. I knew that was good. My mom does some strange things, but she wouldn’t want to show me Sweet Pea being dead. My dad said he woke up this morning expecting to find her dead but she was running around and playing all morning.

When I woke up for the second time at about 10:30 AM, I went to check on her. She was sleeping. No big deal. But when I noticed a few hours later that she was still laying there, I tried to pick her up. She would scream like she was in awful pain. Now none of the cats will get around her, so I know there is something wrong. She’s been going downhill all day.

She tries to meow and nothing comes out. I’ve forced her to drink water from a dropper to keep her hydrated at least, because neither Gizmo nor Lily are nursing her. I don’t want to give her any more cow’s milk (even though I’m sure she’s hungry) because I can’t risk her getting diarrhea. I’ve given her antibiotics that I got from the vet for another cat- but it’s just amoxicillin which can be used for basically anything. My parents are out right now getting her some KMR (Kitten Milk Replacement) or goat milk, depending on what they can find.  I have BEGGED my parents to take her to the vet but they’re convinced that they won’t be able to do anything. I’m not sure what makes them think they know. It’s so frustrating. They’re upset but only because I’m upset, and that honestly pisses me off a little. I could really not care less how I’m feeling right now, I’m just worried about Sweet Pea. I’m hoping for the best and expecting the worst at this point but thinking that she is suffering or in pain the least little bit kills me. I can’t even stand to think that she is uncomfortable. It’s awful. It doesn’t seem fair that something so little and defenseless should be allowed to have this sort of thing happen to them when there are murderers walking around taking up all kinds of space.

I actually had the thought, “I wish it were one of the others instead of her” and I guess that’s horrible. Ideally nothing horrible would ever be able to happen. I do know that if I saw awful things happening daily in a world that I supposedly created, I wouldn’t stand around and do nothing like an asshole.

Life as I know it.

My life right now is not interesting to myself or anyone else.
It consists of swimming, waiting for television shows to come on, checking on my kittens, weighing myself, texting my boyfriend, talking to my parents, thinking about how I don't have a car, worrying about the future, reading, doing paint by numbers, trying to explain to my mom why I don't invite people over without directly coming out and saying "I have, like, two friends". And every once in a while I get lucky enough to have an outing with someone.
Something really stupid happens to me daily so I have good stories often, I just don't have many people to tell them to anymore. For instance, I cut myself on a microwave recently. I could construct a whole movie out of that. My stories go on forever. No big deal, it's just a GIFT.
One good thing has come out of the past few months though! I did try to re-friend my friends and have relationships with them and do things with them and it seems that it's not going to work. We are just on different paths of our lives right now, and that is no one's fault. That's not the good thing. The good thing is that I don't have to worry about it anymore. I did it, it's done, and it won't do. You're my only hope Raeann. No pressure.

I would absolutely love to have a car and a job. As for this whole schooling thing, I sent an e-mail to Midway Vet and got a very helpful e-mail in return from a veterinarian there. Basically, he highly recommends Morehead's program, and if I got on-the-job-training (which they do offer) it would be to become a vet assistant, not a vet tech. Those are two very different things that no one else seems to understand. Then again, when I tell my family that I am going to become a vet tech, they translate it as "She's going to become a veterinarian and make lots of money and be our savior!" Like I've said before, if I didn't disappoint them all, who would? I do it out of love. Not that I'm extremely happy to have to move to Morehead but it's settled one way or the other so that's a relief. And it helps that the place is freakin' beautiful. Not scary like Lexington. I'm not at all worried about being murdered in Morehead. It's a smaller town than Somerset even, more like Nancy or something, so I'm sure that the drug trafficking ring is a great deal smaller! Gotta hand it to the meth makers of Somerset though, they work their asses off to put us on the white trash map.

Now, after telling Josh that we have to move to Lexington, then changing that to Morehead, then changing that to "nevermind, I don't have to move at all", to moving to Morehead again, and "nevermind, we're not even going"... I now get to relocate him to Morehead once more. He's lucky to have me.

I haven't been on in a good while!
My laptop finally bit the dust. I took it to a computer repair shop and apparently the video chip in the motherboard is broken, and a new one costs about $91. Not too bad, but I've had so many problems with this laptop that I am swearing off HPs forever! I had to replace the hard drive within a matter of months after getting it, it overheats way too easily because they thought it'd be a good idea to not put the fan by the CPU, and now the screen is all rolly.

SO I purchased a Dell Inspiron 15. The cover design I chose is spiffy! It's called "Seaweed", and is white with teal and black swirls everywhere. It took $703 and some cents from the $705.74 I had on my debit card. Woe is me. I am yet again broke until Fall.

My life has been eventful lately with things that are not too interesting!
I've spent time with Josh, went to the movies with Raeann, walked the Relay For Life, started Zumba again, and just been out and about in general.

I got my hair chopped off yesterday. I decided I really like Brandy at Dimensions. She is the only person who, when I say I want my hair choppy and thinned out, has actually done that for me. I really regret these bangs. They are really short and my hairline makes my hair want to grow straight down so they won't even go to the side. And since they are short, it's a lot of work to make them lie flat. But I'll get used to it in time I suppose. It wasn't her fault, it was my idea. I shouldn't be allowed to have ideas, I realized that they are all really bad.

I'm going to the fair today with Josh! I just hope that the rain decides to stay away. The sun looks like it's shining so I really hope so. Peach sno-cones and my boy, sounds like a good day. :)

I'm doing okay with my no diet soda/no fast food for the month thing. I haven't had soda or diet soda at all. I've rarely drank anything other than water. I have had fast food though, but it totally wasn't even my fault. I had no idea Frisch's was fast food. THEY HAVE A SALAD BAR. I should've known better, anything with a drive-thru is likely fast food. The point is, my mom knew it was fast food and she chose to eat there anyway. Without even telling me it was fast food until afterward. And then she laughed. She obviously either doesn't see or care that I am taking this seriously. Whattabitch. That's how it has been with nearly everyone since I've started to lose weight though. "You don't need to lose weight", or they bring me something sweet or fast food or something super not good for me. It's ridiculous... and reminiscent of a couple of years ago when all of my (very large) family members were accusing me of being anorexic and, let's just say it, a coke whore. No. I'm sorry that you're still fat.

ALSO. Exciting news for me (just because I love to travel and I'm all into my heritage since I discovered how much Native American I actually am)... I apparently am taking my dad's vacation pay this August or September and going to Cherokee, NC. I'm excited! I've never been there. My mom wants to play a twelve-hour Bingo game. Hah.

I suppose that's all. I'll update more and comment more when I actually have a laptop... this desktop is junk now.

I just spent four hours re-doing my bathroom and cleaning every single thing in it, and throwing tons of stuff away. It is so relaxing just to know that it is CLEAN. It no longer looks like Andy Warhol ate a huge bunch of daisies and orange Skittles and then vomited everywhere. It is "aquamarine". I am very pleased.

Then I walk into my bedroom and see what a hot mess it is and I get very stressed out.
I didn't get to paint today like I had planned and the things I took off my walls are all lying in the floor so it is very cluttered and hard to walk in.

The paint I got is called "Lime Smoothie" but it isn't lime green. It's the prettiest seafoam green color that I could find, and it looks very similar to this.



It feels good to know that I'm going to go through and throw away all of the things that I don't want/need, that way I don't have to worry about what to do with it.

Until then, I don't even want to go in there! And I can't go into my living room because there are sheets and tarps all over everything, my mom is painting the ceiling. I suppose I'll just hang out in here for a while.

I have no huge responsibilities but I have so much to do.
Nothing that I actually have to do, just things that, in my mind, are really crucial.

Like learning how to do different stitches in crocheting and knitting, buying containers to put random things in so that my room can be a little bit organized, painting something for Josh's new house, crocheting four afghans for Christmas gifts, watching this dude's forty Youtube videos so that I can teach myself piano. He breaks it down so it should be pretty simple. My keyboard is definitely getting put back in my room after Spring (Summer?) cleaning. Technically, it's my uncle's keyboard. But, he let me borrow it and then made us disown him because he was being a butt. This is the one time I gained something out of someone being an asshole! SUCCESS!

I am getting really carried away with this "happy thoughts" fit I am having. I refuse to let myself get down. I started to get upset at humanity in general earlier, but you know what I did? I googled chinchillas. And all seemed right with the world.

Thanks to Swagbucks, I have $20.50 on my Amazon account. Not my money. Well, it is now. But I have bought so many things with this. I'm saving up for Just Dance right now. Anything that gives me more options for exercise is good. Because I am starting to slip. Badly. I've gained four pounds and have been eating for the heck of it. That is bad. It all started with pizza. This is why I have to stay away from pizza, it is definitely my Achille's heel. This time, though, I'm going to catch it before it gets too carried away. That's what I should have done before, instead of letting myself gain fifty pounds before I took care of it. Eh well, I'm trying.

I'm thinking about taking Matt's advice and just start making crap up so y'all will be a little interested.

I almost let my paranoid mother get my day off to a bad start. But it won't work!
I was supposed to have plans today, but I canceled them because I thought I'd end up having to, anyway.

Josh, I think, is packing today to move into his new place. He's sharing it with a friend, but it isn't an apartment, it is an actual house that they pay rent on. He'll be close to Presidium so it will save a lot of gas. It means he's a lot farther away from me, but at least it isn't Oldham County.

I really, really hate when guys try to hit on me on Myspace. I would have thought that whole section about my boyfriend would have kept them away a little bit. Needless to say, when they ask what kind of music I'm into while of course adding "wut kind of guys r u into hon?!" onto the end... and I answer the music part and say "I'm into my boyfriend", they stop caring about what kind of music I am into. And also, you are twenty seven, you creep-ass.

OH.

Highlight of my year so far = Trevor Moore said four, count 'em... four, words to me on Facebook.
Am I pathetic? Probably. But am I happy? Yes.

My blog is way more boring than I intended it to be.

So, I was watching American Idol like I do every year. There's one contestant who always seemed sort of... familiar to me. Until my parents mentioned it I had no idea why. His face looks exactly like my boyfriend's face.

I can't even get over it. I just keep looking at his face and being really weirded out.

Anyway, as we have established by now, I really like making lists. So I made this list of one hundred things I want to do before I die.

1. Celebrate my one hundredth birthday.

2. Participate in something that greatly benefits animal welfare (besides donating).

3. Visit every state in the U.S. at least once, Canada, Mexico, as well as at least one country on every other continent (except Antarctica... but maybe...).

4. Swim with dolphins.

5. Take a safari in Africa.

6. Go to Australia and hold a koala bear.

7. Get every pet I've ever wanted.

8. Ride a roller coaster.

9. Own my dream home.

10. Become a mother.

11. Get every tattoo I want.

12. Get every piercing I want.

13. Become a veterinary technician.

14. Lose fifty pounds.

15. Read every book in a library.

16. Find a doctor that can help my grandpa see again.

17. Own a weeping willow tree.

18. Teach myself piano.

19. Sing in front of an audience.

20. Be on as many game shows as possible.

21. Get a video on America's Funniest Home Videos.

22. Follow a band on their entire tour (preferably Van Halen).

23. Attend a film festival.

24. Move. Out. Of. Jabez.

25. Meet all members of the Whitest Kids U Know.

26. Get married outdoors.

27. Gain a friend for life.

28. Paint something that someone will buy.

29. Teach someone something that they can use for the rest of their life.

30. Try out for American Idol. It's all in fun, I won't be upset if I don't make it. :)

31. Learn to cook.

32. This will not be listed but I will let you know when it is accomplished...hah.

33. Be published a third time.

34. Get through college without debt.

35. Play a role in a Judd Appatow film, even if it is tiny.

36. Track down my entire family history from all sides.

37. Live to see the cure for cancer.

38. Go on a roadtrip with no particular destination.

39. Go to as many amusement parks as possible.

40. Sleep outside on a trampoline.

41. Go to the beach.

42. Draw out a tattoo that someone will get. What sucks is that I've almost accomplished this. Twice.

43. Paint a mural.

44. Go to stand-up shows of all of my favorite comedians.

45. Help someone else fulfill a goal (please lemme know!)

46. Pick up at least twenty new hobbies.

47. Do stand-up comedy at least once!

48. Upload a video on Youtube.

49. Get one million hits on that video.

50. Spend all day playing Dominoes with my grandma.

51. Take my parents on a trip to Hawaii.

52. Beat every Guitar Hero game on expert with all instruments.

53. Do as many charity walks as possible.

54. Have tofurkey for Thanksgiving.

55. Meet Ruby Gettinger and tell her how much she inspires me.

56. Write a journal entry every day for the rest of my life.

57. I want my child(ren) to be able to meet all of my grandparents.

58. Go out in public with no makeup.

59. Conquer my fear of spiders.

60. Hide in my closet, record a video, and send it to Bin Laden. See how he likes that mess.

60. (I'm redoing 60, since I wouldn't know where to send the video. We are not quite as good at Hide and Seek as he is). I want to inspire someone.

61. Spend a day with terminally ill patients in a hospital.

62. Volunteer at a nursing home and listen to all of their stories, even if they smell like moth balls and have no idea what they're talking about. I love old people!

63. Break a record.

64. Go a month without saying a mean thing about anyone. I've already tried this. It didn't work. But we'll see.

65. I also can't say what #65 is, but I will let you know when mission #65 is complete!

66. Buy Christmas gifts for a child who otherwise wouldn't receive any.

67. Adopt a pet who has been abused or neglected and show it that it is not worthless.

68. Be in the audience of a TV show.

69. 69. Just kidding. Meet someone who tends to think everyone from Kentucky is stupid and play Jeopardy with them.

70. Meet the doctor who told my mom that I would be full of birth defects and that she should abort me. Possibly slap him, depending on whether or not I meet him during the month that I am trying to be nice to everyone.

71. Go to every restaurant Guy Fieri has been to on Diiners, Drive-ins and Dives.

72. Start a garden and eat nothing but things I grow for at least a month.

73. Go a year without fast food.

74. Reach my 50th wedding anniversary.

75. Help do something about the pollution in the ocean.

76. Cut out diet soda for a month (we'll try for longer, but I am really diet soda dependent).

77. Get a secret on PostSecret.

78. Do something that lands me on a talk show. Not on Jerry Springer, Maury, and preferably not Steve Wilkos.

79. Make everyone I meet from here on out smile.

80. Meet Betty White and get her to tell me a St. Olaf story as Rose Nyland.

81. Go to all of my high school reunions.

82. Help plan a wedding that isn't my own.

83. Ride a horse.

84. Sleep in one of those canopy beds on the beach.

85. Start an Etsy and sell at least three things.

86. Play Chubby Bunny with a group of people.

87. Wear every eye shadow that I own at least once in public (even the neon colors).

88. See a ghost.

89. Drive a Hummer.

90. Do something I am good at (maybe crocheting), sell them, and donate the proceeds to charity.

91. Get a caricature of myself drawn.

92. Go a day without watching television. It probably doesn't seem like a huge deal to anyone else, but I cannot stand to be in a room with a television that is not turned on.

93. Change someone's life for the better.

94. Get on the Dean's List. I missed it this semester by like .4 GPA points. Craaaaaap.

95. Ride a camel.

96. Play with a baby orangutan.

97. Participate in Lent, even though I am not Catholic. Maybe I'll give up diet soda. Kill two birds with one stone.

98. Be completely happy with myself.

99. Have an amazing tree house!

100. Complete this list.